Coping With Lots of Emotions in These Troubled Times
We’re over 40 blog posts in.
Most of them have been about specific mental health concerns. Only rarely have I written about a specific period of time, as when many experienced the pandemic as traumatic in 2020.
In 2021, I wrote about pandemic-era “languishing,” which the New York Times called “the dominant emotion” of that year. It was a sense of “meh,” of stagnancy. People felt numb, disconnected, aimless.
A few years later, with a different set of national/world events at play, I find myself compelled to again capture the overall mood – the climate that I’m sensing among my clients in the San Francisco Bay Area.
I’d like to describe the emotions that so many are feeling. As you read on, see if you’ve felt any of this in the past year or two.
WHAT MANY ARE FEELING EMOTIONALLY
Fear and anxiety
The daily barrage of scary news may have you on edge. From layoffs to national events to the climate crisis, it’s one thing after another.
You see the headlines, and your nervous system gets ramped up. You might notice your heart’s beating faster, your breath shorter. You wind up perseverating on the scary thing throughout the day, distracting you from work. The latent unease can easily impact sleep.
Anger
Hearing what’s happening can make you furious: Furious about changes in the tech industry. Furious with what’s happening nationally. Furious that global warming appears to be accelerating. Any of these can make anyone understandably angry, even more so when you lump it all together.
Shock
Some of the stuff you’re hearing about (on social media, on news websites, through friends) can be truly shocking. Things we never thought could possibly happen in this country. It’s often morally outrageous and truly unthinkable.
Disbelief
It might seem surreal, even bizarre. Like “how did we get to this point?” “This can’t be real.” You’re almost scratching your head to make sense of it.
Helplessness and stuckness
You might be convinced that things are not going to change, that there’s nothing anyone can do, that it can only get worse.
Remember: trauma is an event or set of circumstances that overwhelms your nervous system, that feels out of your control, as if you’ll never get past it.
A “blah,” down feeling
Despite decent jobs and healthy relationships, lots of folks are still feeling “meh,” similar to pandemic-era languishing. It’s like a slightly-below-baseline mood, which can veer into depressive territory. Little things that used to excite you may have less of an effect. True joy may be less accessible.
Uncertainty
So many things can seem up in the air: whether you’ll keep your job, whether you’ll be able to afford living in such an expensive place, whether you’ll wake up the next day and hear about crazy stuff in the news, whether those national events will affect you, whether the climate crisis will get worse, etc.
Taken together, it can seem that your well-being is in question.
Even on days when you don’t hear of crazy s#*t, there might be this vague, free-floating sense that things just aren’t right, and could be up in the air for a while.
Bargaining and disillusionment
What you’ve always pictured our society being about may now seem like a thing of the past - ideals, values, norms. This can be tough to accept; denial can feel safer. When you eventually reckon with “what is,” that can be truly disillusioning.
A special note for those in tech:
If you’ve always regarded tech as a force for good, hearing what some within the field are doing can add to your disillusionment. If you feel unintentionally complicit in uses or systems that you didn’t sign up for, there may be a sense of “ick,” a true discomfort with being part of that.
Irritability
With so many shocks to the system (learning about layoffs or other upsetting news, feeling angered or worried by it all), a long-term weariness can set in.
You might lose sight of what fulfills you, what excites you. What’s left may be this background layer of testiness, shown in your facial expression, your body language, your speech, etc. Even if you’re notching wins at work, doing your hobbies or getting quality time with loved ones, it may be tough to rise too far above that latent irritability.
Sadness and grief
Many are sensing that “there’s no going back.” That the world that they knew is gone – things like civility, a sense of quiet, ideals and freedoms which they counted on and didn’t even have to think about.
There’s sadness about a collective future that feels threatened.
There’s also grief around institutions that have been changed for the worse, those who have been senselessly killed, and vulnerable segments of society who have been suffering.
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If you haven’t already, take a moment and reflect on your unique circumstances, and your own emotions during the past year. Does the above list overstate it, understate it, or come close to capturing it? Regardless, pause and acknowledge how it’s been for you.
HOW THIS IS PLAYING OUT BEHAVIORALLY
Now I’d like to describe behaviors, habits and tendencies that I’ve observed in my clinical work in the past year. With each one, ask yourself if this has applied to you, even slightly:
Constant checking
For some, it’s as if a part of you is saying “I know I don’t like how I feel when I check out the news, but I can’t stop myself… I really want to know what’s happening out there.” You want to know what’s happening (especially if it directly affects you), but you might check way too frequently.
Avoiding the news
Sometimes it feels better to not know the bad stuff. Clicking on a news site or your social media feed, it’s like a gamble: will you be mortified by the headlines?
Physically isolating from others
You might lack motivation to reach out to friends, to plan things, to get out there. The instinct may be to curl up on the couch and do your own thing.
Emotionally isolating from others
Everyone’s feeling different things at different times – it’s an unpredictable whirl of emotions. If you don’t know that someone happens to be feeling the same exact thing right now, it might seem doubtful that they can relate. So you keep it to yourself.
Venting to others, then feeling frustrated
If you do share, whoever you confide in needs to be in the space to really hear you. Otherwise you might feel brushed aside, or shamed for what you’re feeling. This leaves you feeling dissatisfied and frustrated.
Being vented to, then feeling resentful
The inverse is when you’re not in the space to listen, and someone just unloads without asking. In an unresourced state, your effort can easily be half-hearted. You might resent that they brought you into a negative space.
Having less to give
You might not feel like smiling. It can seem exhausting to give your time, to make effort with friends or family, to do more than what’s expected at work. Holding back and conserving energy may seem like the comfortable default.
Distractedness / relative lack of presentness
You’re exerting energy to “just get through” these times, which can keep you from being truly present with those around you. You want to really “show up,” but despite your good intentions, the bandwidth just isn’t there.
Struggling to keep up with little things
As another byproduct of the very necessary focus on self-preservation, you might delay tasks that used to seem like no big deal: household chores, errands, returning texts, returning emails, etc.
Numbing
We need things to zone us out, relax us and physiologically regulate our nervous system. They take the pain away, albeit temporarily. They’re often harmless, but in excess can compromise other priorities. Some examples: doomscrolling, binge watching, videogames, substances, excessive exercise, excessive travel.
Hyper-positivity
You might tell yourself that “everything’s fine” when it’s not. You might force a smile, when you don’t feel like smiling. There are settings in which a pleasant demeanor might help you (e.g. a work meeting), a false cheeriness may set in during moments of solitude. A positive outlook can certainly be helpful, and it makes sense to not feel the bad stuff. At the same time, hyper-positivity can be one manifestation of denial.
Over-controlling whatever you can
If you’ve felt powerless or helpless to make change, perhaps you’ve latched onto something you can control, devoting too much energy to that control. Some examples: obsessing over health metrics (sleep quality, body shape, etc.), micro-management of finances, productivity, etc.
Searching for meaning
If you’re feeling disillusioned, sensing that the world around you doesn’t look like what you always envisioned, you might be doing some existential pondering. Wondering how you’re going to move forward, asking yourself “What is my life about?” “What matters to me?” “What do I want in my life?” More on this in a bit.
A vague, bottled-up drive to take action
You may notice an instinct to speak out, give time, energy and resources, without knowing how or where. It’s like this undefined energy in need of a direction.
A fear of taking action
If you’ve heard rumors (or seen credible accounts) of negative repercussions to those who speak out, that might be holding you back.
THERAPEUTIC SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO COPE
Truly take care of yourself
But what does that mean?
When you’re feeling so many of these things for months and months, and it’s taxing your energy, consider doing the following:
Allow all the feels to be there. We might be tempted to say “I’m overreacting” or “I should be able to handle this better.” But that only shames the part of you that’s feeling as it does. These feelings are going to be there (to some extent) whether you like it or not. See if you can welcome them, even if they seem like hindrances.
Listen to what you’re feeling. It’s helpful to give your fear, your anger, your stuckness, etc. the attention it deserves. Treat it as a “part” of you that wants to say something. Ask it to tell you more. As strange as this may sound, when that part of you feels heard, you might notice a sense of relief or calm.
Let an attachment figure know how you’re doing. Think of the 3-4 people who you’re closest to – the ones you can tell anything to, who really show you they care. Check that they’re in a place to truly hear you. Once you get the green light, tell them how you’re actually doing. We’re wired to want those closest to us to know how we’re faring, and it brings relief when we can feel “witnessed.”
Dock in your recharging station. We all need a sanctuary from the world around us – a home base. Here we can lick our wounds, recharge and recover from the bad things. In this place, gather what helps you feel comfortable and supported. Even a small area within your home that’s just for you. And then truly rest there, taking in some comfort.
Double down on nourishing activities. The concept is cliche, but yes I’m referring to self-care. Find at least 30-60 minutes per day for something that relaxes and restores you. Even when you’ve got so much to do, it’ll pay dividends for the rest of the day.
Orient yourself to “what is.”
Imagine going from sunlight into a dark room - you need to orient yourself to your surroundings, right? Well, given that you were thrust into this new reality, and may feel spun around and discombobulated, the need is the same.
By no means am I suggesting that you accept what’s happening these days.
Instead, it’s important to ground yourself, to find your footing. It’s like surveying the landscape, acknowledging what’s there, even if (understandably) you don’t like how it looks.
In a practical sense, this means taking in the news from reputable sources. That’ll bring up some emotions, and that’s understandable.
That allows you to move forward from a centered, grounded place. Use that as your launching pad, to build connections, do what you love, and flourish as best you can.
Let your anger guide you towards necessary action.
Your emotions can be valuable signals, pointing you towards what you’re needing. Instead of hiding from them, why not let them guide you? Some of what you’re feeling can be helpful and instructive.
As for anger, you know, it really gets a bad rap! People try to suppress it. Others may shame you for it. You may regard an angry feeling as “too much.
But when it doesn’t move into aggressiveness, anger can inform you, telling you that something is going wrong and needs fixing.
In your personal life, anger can prompt you to set a necessary boundary with someone, ask for what you need, or make a powerful choice that you feel good about. This is assertiveness, and it’s healthy.
So beyond your personal sphere, why not allow your anger to drive you to get more involved, to make your voice heard in peaceable ways?
Anger doesn’t have to mean going overboard. It can motivate you to take necessary action. Maybe that’s spirited advocacy, shifts in your career, or something else.
Let your fear move you towards authentic living
In his book Emotional Intimacy, Robert Augustus Masters wrote:
If you are truly looking for genuine transformation, you need look no further than your fear. For in it there exists not only an abundance of trapped energy, but also the very testing and challenge that we need in order to live a deeper, more authentic life (Masters, 2013, p. 77).
The word “authentic” is key.
We feel whole when we can be ourselves – moving towards what speaks to us, living in accordance with our values, doing our thing.
Those questions from above might be helpful to ponder:
“What is my life about?”
“What matters to me?”
“What do I want in my life?”
I’ll add a few more:
“What fulfills me?”
“What excites me?”
“What are 3 changes I can make in the near term, to help me feel more like myself?”
“Are there any major components in my life that need fixing, to help me feel more like myself?”
If so, “How can I work towards addressing those components in my life?”
Let sadness and disillusionment guide you towards purposeful action.
Not everyone allows themselves to feel sad. The idea of showing that we’re feeling sad can lead us to feel embarrassed, as when we apologize for our tears. But it can be so instructive.
As Susan David wrote in her book Emotional Agility:
Sadness is a signal to ourselves that something is wrong – often that we are looking for a better way to be here and participate… Suppress the sadness under a veil of false cheer and you deny yourself the directional guidance…(David, 2016, pp. 61-2).
Of course you might feel sad or disillusioned with what’s happening (nationally and worldwide). Once you recognize it and make peace with it, you give yourself that “directional guidance.”
That may lead you to make changes more locally. Yes, I’m referring to your community, your neighborhood, even your street.
You can still be a force for good, positively affecting those around you.
Let it prompt you to reaffirm what you’re all about. As you look towards the vast national expanse, principles of compassion, decency and civility may be currently lacking at the top. But by noticing what’s missing, let that redouble your intention to live by those principles yourself. Making this more actionable:
Think of someone you know who’s struggling. Either reach out just to say hi, ask how they’re doing, or spend 10 minutes with them.
Think of one good deed that you can do today for anyone around you. Some examples: giving someone a genuine compliment, allowing someone to merge in traffic, donating an item of clothing to a local donation center.
Give someone the gift of attunement. With your phone off or in your pocket, through your words and actions, show someone that you really hear what they’re saying.
Donate to an organization that embodies the principles that you’re all about, or make phone calls on its behalf.
Call your local representative to let them know where you stand on a piece of legislation.
Let grief bring you into community
You’re aware of others who feel just as you do. You may have commiserated with them about it - maybe from afar, or perhaps more directly. There’s comfort in that commonality. Lean into that sense of oneness with them. Know that there are millions of folks who are right there with you, even if you’re not in the same room as them.
As Masters notes in Emotional Intelligence:
We begin with “my” grief and may remain there, but sometimes we shift to “our” grief as our rawness of heart starts to radiate out to include the suffering of others close to us. And then we may shift even further to “the” grief as we feel our collective suffering and allow that feeling to pervade us – which doesn’t just bring on more sorrow, but also more love, love that remains itself even as it freely weeps (Masters, 2013, pp. 175-6).
What I really want you to take from this: love.
There’s a collective love that like-minded folks can send each other, and take in.
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It is my sincere hope that a few years from now, we will all look back on this time and breathe a sigh of relief that things have gotten better. Just as we talk with loved ones about pandemic times, saying things like “Can you believe we did that?” Or “How messed up was that?”
Until then, we’re in this together. You’re not alone.
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Andrew Kushnick is a Certified EMDR therapist who primarily works with clients in the San Francisco Bay Area, and was trained by the Parnell Institute in EMDR and Attachment-Focused EMDR. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.
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