A Couples Therapist's Take on 10 More Song Lyrics That You Know
When you like a song, you tend to listen repeatedly.
So much so that you memorize the words.
They’re often about love and relationships. Themes of courtship, pursuit, sex, romance, distancing, infidelity, heartache, reconciliation and rebuilding. Often it’s from the point of view of someone expressing longing, lust, limerance, excitement, euphoria, admiration, fear and more.
You might wind up regarding song lyrics as solid advice on what to do, how to handle a particular situation, etc.
But is the recording artist also a trained and experienced couples therapist? Uh, usually not.
This is what led to my original post, “A Couples Therapist’s Take on Song Lyrics that You Know.” As a couples therapist serving the San Francisco Bay Area, I fact-checked the lyrics of 10 popular songs from a clinical perspective.
Composing that was so much fun that I just had to drop my sophomore album, so to speak. So make sure to follow me on Spotify and Bandcamp and… Just kidding, I promise to stick to psychotherapy and blogging.
And now, the moment you didn’t even know you were waiting for: A Couples Therapist’s Take on 10 More Song Lyrics that You Know.
Lyrics: “I came in like a wrecking ball. I hit so hard in love. All I wanted was to break your walls. All you ever did was wreck me. Yeah, you, you wreck me.” “I never meant to start a war. I just wanted you to let me in. And instead of using force, I guess I should've let you win (“Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: We all have these “walls” - they protect us from pain or discomfort. Along with personality traits, habits and tendencies, they’re basic features of who we are.
We might refer to them as “parts” of you. They often originate as a result of adverse experiences from earlier in life. These protective parts are designed to prevent the same bad thing from happening again. For example, if we’ve been emotionally hurt, disregarded, not taken seriously, or betrayed, we may have parts that keep us closed off or on guard.
Although years ago these parts sprung up out of necessity, in the present day they might not be needed in the same way. They can prevent you from fully trusting, from being yourself, from committing to something, all of which can disrupt relationships.
If you’ve noticed this in yourself, individual therapy can really help, especially EMDR or parts work. Over time, you can keep these parts from taking over, from doing their thing even when they’re not needed.
If you’re in Miley’s position, and your significant other’s protective parts are frustrating you, you might want to come in “like a wrecking ball,” denigrating or pathologizing those parts. But that will lead them to dig in further.
Instead, I’d suggest helping your significant other’s protective parts feel more safe, which eases their energy. Specifically, you might:
Aim to truly learn how these parts first came to be, and why they were necessary;
Accept that they exist for a good reason (acknowledging their good intentions);
Provide a “corrective emotional experience,” doing the opposite of what their early caregivers (or past romantic partner) did that led these parts to feel necessary.
Lyrics: “I'm going under, and this time, I fear there's no one to save me. This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy. I need somebody to hear, somebody to know. Somebody to have, somebody to hold. It's easy to say, but it's never the same. I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain” (“Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: To feel secure and safe in the world, we’re wired from birth to attach to early caregivers. They and others become attachment figures: those who we instinctively look to, to meet certain needs. That includes having someone to witness our day-to-day experience; “somebody to know” what we’re going through.
So it’s no surprise that this love “numbed all the pain.” A 2019 study showed that just being in the same room with the object of our affection, even without physical touch, improved resilience to physical pain.
In a broader sense, our key attachment figures help us feel supported and taken care of. They help us regulate our emotions and relieve distress. This may be why John Bowlby (referred to as the “father of attachment theory”) described the key attachment relationship as a “safe haven.”
All in all, these lyrics reflect a valid need that we all share.
Lyrics: “Come on in and sit beside me, where the waters collide. Bathin' me in the iris of your widening eyes. What can you share to keep my hands cuffed? Somethin' so bright and blessed that I'm all but crushed. Just a reminder I'm in love; weak in your light. And I can't seem to wash it off. That's alright” (“Weak In Your Light” by Nation of Language).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: When falling in love the feelings can be so huge, even overpowering.
This can be beautiful. This can be something to surrender yourself to, leaning in and seeing where things go.
At the same time, it can easily define our existence, such that we lose sight of what makes us unique, what we care about, etc. We might wind up neglecting other important relationships (friends, family, etc.), things we used to enjoy, other dimensions of us.
We may wind up asking ourselves, “Will I still be the same person?” “Will I forget the things I cared about before the relationship?” “Who will I be if we break up?”
Even if you enjoy the magic elixir of love, it’s important to be in touch with yourself. Self-differentiation is a key concept to remember here. It’s the ongoing process of defining yourself in real time: your wishes, hopes, desires, preferences, dreams, etc. what you’re excited about, what you hope for, what you’re worried about… even when that differs from those around you.
Here the narrator is embracing the uncertainty and the vulnerability (“That’s alright”). I’m on board with this, as it indicates an awareness of what’s happening. This way, he can make any necessary adjustments to maintain his selfhood.
Lyrics: “'Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you” (“All of Me” by John Legend).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Gotta hand it to John Legend. His approach is likely to promote safety in a romantic relationship.
We all have needs, wants, insecurities, flaws, idiosyncrasies, etc. We all have “parts” of us that remember emotional wounds from the past, and get triggered in the present.
Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson compared this to a disco ball with many irregularly-shaped mirrors, each representing parts of us, including things we’re not proud of or would rather forget about. Ideally, we should get to the point where we spin our own disco ball all the way around, allowing our significant other to know our “perfect imperfections.”
Of course that doesn’t always feel fully comfortable. We might have parts that disavow our own needs, hide how we really feel, aim to be what someone else wants us to be. The fear is that otherwise we won’t be good enough.
Instead of feeling threatened by differentness, both partners would be wise to embrace the idea, accepting each other’s parts. Their exquisite knowledge of each other will allow them to communicate more clearly, compromise more easily, and meet each other’s individual needs.
Lyrics: “Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts. Flashbacks waking me up. I get drunk, but it's not enough. ’Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby. I look through the windows of this love. Even though we boarded them up. Chandelier's still flickering here. ’Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not. It's death by a thousand cuts. My heart, my hips, my body, my love. Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch. Gave up on me like I was a bad drug. Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club” (“Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Taylor Swift).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Rejection really hurts, and I’m not speaking metaphorically. UCLA psychologists Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman discovered that the brain processes rejection in the same way that it processes physical pain after an injury.
It makes sense for T-Swift to want to numb this emotional pain, much as we would with a physical injury. The problem is that after the buzz subsides, the pain remains. To “pretend it’s okay when it’s not” won’t work.
So what’s a better practice, to cope with the sting of rejection?
That pain needs to be given a voice. It needs to feel heard by someone who cares. This can be done by another person, or even from within you.
This may sound a little “woo woo,” but you can tune into the part that’s holding the pain, asking what it wants you to know. You might respond by letting it know you hear it, that you’re capturing how it’s feeling. It’s common for this type of pain to linger for a bit, so you might resolve to keep listening when it shows up.
Over time it gradually lessens in intensity. The mechanism of healing is not just the passage of time; it’s you taking care of that part of you.
If from this rejection you’ve developed negative beliefs about yourself that may impact how you relate to people (e.g. “There’s something wrong with me,” “I can’t trust anyone”), EMDR may be a powerful solution.
Lyrics: “Their anger hurts my ears. Been running strong for seven years. Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them. It makes no sense at all. I see them everyday. We get along, so why can't they? If this is what he wants, and it's what she wants, then why's there so much pain?” (“Stay Together for the Kids” by Blink 182).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Here, a child is wondering why these parents can’t get along, understandably lamenting the endless arguing, impliedly wondering why they’re still together.
Multiple studies have shown that children who grow up in high-conflict families are more likely to experience lower self-esteem, relationship struggles, substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and an inability to trust others.
From observing their parents over time, children develop beliefs about their own safety and security, what communication entails, whether it’s safe to express how you feel, how to resolve conflict, whether people are trustworthy, and what a relationship looks like. If they see a dysfunctional relationship marked by tension, acrimony and unhealthy communication, that can shape interpersonal patterns for life.
The stress relief hypothesis holds that even though a divorce is stressful for parents and kids, it leads to better outcomes for children than if they were subject to ongoing conflict.
Of course it’s a painful choice for parents. Try to work on things and avoid the massive stress and disruption from separation or divorce? Or bring relief to themselves and spare the kids from the harmful effects of witnessing further conflict? There’s no easy answer.
Lyrics: “Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. No, let's go back to the start. Runnin' in circles, comin' up tails. Heads on a science apart.” “I was just guessin' at numbers and figures, pullin' your puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress - do not speak as loud as my heart” (“The Scientist” by Coldplay).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Mr. Martin is trying to figure out what went wrong. He’s using his analytical mind to deconstruct what happened in the relationship.
He is correct that listening to how he feels will provide more insight than would logic.
Although it makes sense to want to deconstruct things, the language of emotion will be massively helpful in clarifying where each person is now. How do they feel about each other? About being in the relationship? Is either harboring resentment, anger, doubt or fear? It will be crucial to create a safe environment for this to be expressed and heard.
“[Going] back to the start” can surface emotional wounds, things that each person is holding onto. Even if they’ve had multiple conversations over the years about what each did wrong, they would be wise to focus on repair.
This means that each partner actively listens to how a specific event affected their partner, reflects or paraphrases to show an accurate understanding of the feeling, and then offers a sincere apology. This isn’t an admission of guilt, and doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong. Instead, it’s showing their partner that they care about this emotional wound, which promotes healing.
For more on repair and other valuable relationship skills, especially among tech workers or other analytical types, check out my blog post.
Lyrics: “Intoxicated, there's a lustful nature that I failed to mention. Insecurities that I project, sleepin' with other women. Whitney's hurt, the purest soul I know, I found her in the kitchen. Askin' God, ‘Where did I lose myself? And can it be forgiven?’ Broke me down, she looked me in my eyes, ‘Is there an addiction?’ I said ‘No,’ but this time I lied, I knew that I can't fix it. Pure soul, even in her pain, know she cared for me. Gave me a number, said she recommended some therapy” (“Mother I Sober” by Kendrick Lamar).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Kudos to Kendrick for accessing vulnerability, reflecting on infidelity and sex addiction. He’s describing the experience of his then-fiancee as she grappled with her hurt. The questions she asked herself (“Where did I lose myself? And can it be forgiven?”) are common for the partner who is made aware of infidelity. Utilizing terminology from Dr. Stan Tatkin, we’ll call this the “discovery partner” (the “DP”).
For the DP, it’s disorienting to learn that this person is different than what they thought. It makes the DP doubt their ability to be a judge of character, to know what’s true, to see things as they really are.
To rebuild trust and heal from infidelity, the DP often seeks to gather information: when it happened, where it happened, why it happened. This helps restore their sense of mastery over their environment, by knowing who their partner really is, how they got to that point, how they can truly know that it won’t happen again, etc.
As with any trauma, the DP will need to integrate this new information into historical memory in the form of an ‘adaptive narrative.’ From this painful episode, they’ll derive a useful, instructive message that not only makes sense of what happened, but allows them to forge ahead with confidence. This promotes healing, which may lead to forgiveness (and preservation of the relationship).
Lyrics: “Something bad is 'bout to happen to me. Why I feel this way, I don't know, maybe. I think of her so much, it drives me crazy. I just don't want her to leave me…” “What if she's fine? It's my mind that's wrong. And I just let bad thoughts linger for far too long” (“Dark Red” by Steve Lacy).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: With anxious-preoccupied attachment, the key feature is a hyperfocus on the availability of an attachment figure. It’s like repeatedly looking over your shoulder to make sure everything’s okay.
In describing his recurring worry, the narrator recognizes this premonition may have no basis in reality, that it might just be his “bad thoughts.” And that’s fortunate. With this realization, he can then begin to self-soothe. When this anxious part returns in the future, although it’s counter-intuitive, he might gently smile and nod towards it. It’s as if he’s pulling up a chair, making space for it, hearing its concerns, possibly comforting it.
What can the object of his affection do to help? She might ease his anxiety by calmly reiterating the safety of the bond. For instance, she could let him know she’s thinking of him (this can be accomplished with a three-word text). Ideally, he’ll incorporate that into an internal mental representation of that safety and durability. When he’s by himself, in between time spent with her, that’ll come in handy. Another source of soothing.
Yes this constitutes work for her, but in return she’ll have a happier partner who puts less pressure on her.
To maintain her motivation to help, he might positively reinforce anything she does that shows she cares. He should notice that it’s happening, and thank her for it. She’ll be more likely to repeat that behavior, knowing it’s easing his distress.
Lyrics: “The lack of a kiss did more than a thousand. It's less about you than a romance with a memory. Maybe it's best that we never meet again. So I'm let down by reality…” “You're just an idea, to keep me company late in the night. You were never really here. Not like the picture I have in my mind” (“Romance With a Memory” by Oliver Sim).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: In an age where loneliness is everywhere, dating apps give you the sense that you’re connecting with someone. They help you pass the time, providing entertainment, comfort, and maybe even hope.
As you know, most of what you see on a dating profile is carefully curated. If you choose to chat with someone, they might aim to make a particular impression on you, whether consciously or not.
You then have a picture in your mind: what they look like, what their personality is like, what they’re all about. Your excitement at the idea of finding someone great might carry you along, unthinkingly buying into that impression.
Meeting in real life will inevitably reveal imperfections, which can lead you to feel “let down by reality.”
This chain of events is unfortunate for relationship seekers.
Why? The discrepancy between the idealized vision and reality often brings disappointment.
If you’re seeking love on an app, expect that there will be many dimensions that you’re not seeing right away: the good, the bad, the vulnerable. Modify the picture in your mind, as we’re all imperfect. Allow for space and openness to learn about this person through real-life interactions. That way, in gauging how you feel about them, reality will provide the data.
In terms of what you’re presenting to someone new, it’s in your best interests to reveal who you are - the idiosyncrasies, the fear, the hopes, the dreams, etc. Here’s what authenticity brings:
You can relax and be yourself. No need to try to “be” anything for anyone else.
The other person will sense that you’re being authentic, and that builds trust.
With a better sense of you, the other person will be able to anticipate and adapt to your rhythm, your essence, your needs.
Of course you’re not going to reveal everything right away, but why not head towards authenticity from the start?
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Well there you have it. Another round of rhapsodic reverie is in the books.
If this blog post has shattered your conception of what your favorite song is about, part of me wants to apologize. I know it can be comforting to hold onto what you think a work of art means, and I wouldn’t want to deprive you of that. Another part of me wants to make sure you get accurate advice. If the net result is that you pause and reflect before emulating what’s said or done by a song’s protagonist, that would be most excellent.
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Cummings, E.M., George, M.R.W., McCoy, K.P. and Davies, P.T. (2012), Interparental Conflict in Kindergarten and Adolescent Adjustment: Prospective Investigation of Emotional Security as an Explanatory Mechanism. Child Development, 83: 1703-1715. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2012.01807.x
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Andrew Kushnick is a couples therapist serving the San Francisco Bay Area. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.
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