A couples therapist’s take on song lyrics that you know
Imagine you’ve got your favorite song playing. You’re singing along, belting out those lyrics, and over time it becomes motor memory. You know most of the words, but you’re probably not consciously thinking about them, right? I’m guessing that most of us haven’t taken the time to reflect upon the meaning of the songs we sing. [“Honey, what’s a wonderwall?”]
Does the meaning matter? Well, our favorite artists can easily wind up influencing us, through the lyrics they write and we recite. Some of us might subconsciously come to regard them with unquestioning deference. With the health of your love life in mind, I’ve taken the liberty of offering a couples therapist’s take on song lyrics that you know. [God help us all.] Okay, here goes:
Lyrics: “I can care less what you think. I need no permission, did I mention? Don’t pay him any attention. ‘Cause you had your turn, but now you gon’ learn what it really feels like to miss me” (“Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” by Beyonce).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: When we make someone “our person,” they become an attachment figure. They’re our “secure base,” protecting us from any harms we might experience in our environment. From a biological perspective, in order to survive, it’s necessary to attach. When we’re brave enough to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in someone’s presence, but are then rejected, the emotional pain is felt as if it were physical pain. The more important the person is to us, the greater the pain. Because this pain is so raw, rather than feel it directly, we’re more likely to resort to shame and anger. So it’s understandable that Queen Bey would want her ex to feel similar pain.
Lyrics: “I told you about all those fears, and away they did run. You sure must be strong. And you feel like an ocean, being warmed by the sun” (“Simple Song” by the Shins).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Still on the subject of an attachment figure… One of the functions that this key person serves is to help us “organize our feelings.” Just as parent and caregivers do this for children, partners in a romantic relationship can help each other in this way. By showing your partner that there’s space for whatever their emotional experience is, that whatever they’re feeling is okay (e.g. “all those fears”), even before you comfort them, you’re in effect helping them translate their daily experience into something they can understand. This helps them relax, which helps you relax.
Lyrics: “It’s too late to apologize” (“Apologize” by One Republic).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: When your significant other hurts you in some way and wants to repair the rupture, timeliness does matter. Because they’re an attachment figure, someone you rely on and feel safe with, it can be scary (and angering) to sense that a) they knew that they hurt you; and b) they did nothing to recognize that hurt. In addition to timeliness, accuracy also matters. In other words, it’s essential for your partner to “investigate” by learning (and asking, if necessary) how they’ve hurt you. Once they’ve demonstrated a genuine concern about your pain, perhaps the lack of timeliness can be forgiven. There’s comfort in knowing that if your partner messes up (intentionally or not), they’ll eventually come to their senses and show you that they care.
Lyrics: “Now you've found a new star to orbit. It could be love; I think you're too soon to call us old. When and where did we go cold? I thought I had you on hold” (“On Hold” by the xx).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Don’t ever assume that you have someone on hold, as the male character in the song must have. Like a bank account, a relationship requires regular deposits for long-term sustainability. If you repeatedly fail to tune into your partner, and forget to respond compassionately to what they’re feeling or needing, they’ll likely go looking for “a new star to orbit.” Further lyrics (from the female character) confirm why this couple “went cold”: “Young hearts all need love. Call it a lesson.” A lesson to us all.
Lyrics: “But you didn't have to cut me off… Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing” (“Someone That I Used to Know” by Gotye).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: After a breakup, it’s natural to want to avoid reminders of loss. These reminders can be triggering and can cause feelings of aloneness. However, the more that we try to push away a negative emotion, the more power it has over us. Instead, as Dr. Dan Siegel explained in this video, “name it to tame it.” By noticing and labeling your hurt, your sadness, your anger… you’re in effect “squirting soothing neurotransmitters” from the left brain to the right brain, calming it.
Lyrics: “I want your psycho, your vertigo shtick. Want you in my rear window; baby you’re sick. I want your love” (“Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: This sounds like the essence of unconditional positive regard. Too often, one partner in a couple with ask the other to in effect be someone else. This can lead to a latent feeling of unease, not being able to be yourself. In couples therapy, one goal should be to help each partner accept the totality of the other’s emotional experience (warts and all), without demonizing it or running from it.
Lyrics: “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy… But here's my number, so call me maybe” (“Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: Of course it takes bravery to put yourself out there and risk rejection. But confidence is consistently rated as one of the key draws for potential dating partners. If you’re sensing a decent connection, go ahead and take that chance.
Lyrics: “And now I tell you openly… You have my heart so don’t hurt me. You’re what I couldn’t find. A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind. You’re everything to me” (“Dreams” by the Cranberries).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: We all carry memories of past heartbreak. When upsetting or disturbing events happen, and we don’t have healthy and available means of making sense of them, they get stored as trauma. As time goes by, as a result of this trauma, our amygdala (the brain’s threat detection system) becomes more active. We’re then primed to only notice whatever might resemble whatever hurt us in the past. It’s healthy for romantic partners to discuss past relationships, especially things like rejection, abandonment, or abuse. Because your job is to take care of each other, you’ll then know what to be extra-sensitive to, to minimize the chances of re-traumatization.
Lyrics: “Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide. And pray for the thunder, and the rain, to quietly pass me by” (“Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: How nice to see Axel speaking to the unique role of a romantic partner as an attachment figure. When we place our love and trust in a significant other, they in effect become a “safe haven,” taking over for the role that our parents used to play. When we’re feeling vulnerable, there’s a biological instinct in us to turn to this main attachment figure to watch over us.
Lyrics: “There’s no escape, I can’t wait. I need a hit, baby give me it. You’re dangerous; I’m loving it” (“Toxic” by Britney Spears).
A Couples Therapist’s Take: According to Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and relationship researcher, falling in love causes us our brain to release naturally-occurring chemicals, including dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals activate the same reward pathways in our brain as if we just used alcohol or cannabis. Cortisol plays a part as well, according to Richard Schwartz at Harvard Medical School. He explains that in the early stages of romantic love, when stress hormone cortisol is secreted (think of that anxious feeling when your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty), serotonin decreases, leading to the “intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love.” Thus, each time Britney takes that “hit” of romantic love, her brain rewards her one more time.
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Author’s Note: Unless this blog post leads to a massive revolt from readers who assert that couples therapists shouldn’t concern themselves with popular music, and should instead focus their efforts on psychotherapy, please stay tuned for a potential… um… encore.
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Andrew Kushnick is a couples therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.
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