10 Full-Stack Relationship Skills: Tuning Up the Processes
In Full-Stack Relationship Development: 10 Back-End Processes, we explored 10 processes that impact relationships. Now we’ll learn 10 skills to help you tune up those processes, so that you can resolve conflicts more quickly, and arrive at a mutual understanding. As in the previous post, I’ll mostly reference romantic relationships (and use the word “partner”), but these skills certainly apply to manager and direct report, cofounder and cofounder, adult and parent, etc.
Skill #1: Identifying what might be perceived as threat
Because our amygdala continuously scans our environment for threat (see Process #1), it’s helpful to identify what might trigger it in others. Think back to a time when someone criticized you harshly. You may have felt tension in the upper part of your face. Your heartrate may have skyrocketed. But why did it matter to you? Because deep down, we want to feel good about ourselves. We also need love, approval, and appreciation from others. When cast in a negative light, without realizing it, it might feel as if we’re about to be deprived of one of these needs.
What it looks like: Your partner says, “You never listen to me!”
Other important needs that we want to know will be met: A roof over our head. Food. Love. Sex. Free time. Emotional support. The prospect of any of these things being taken away can trigger alarm bells.
What it looks like: In an argument, your partner hints that something you’ve done might be “a dealbreaker.” At work, your manager asks how quickly you can schedule an urgent meeting with her (and you worry that you messed something up). Your cofounder asks to renegotiate your equity split.
Skill #2: Recognizing when you’re outside of your window of tolerance
In Process #5, we briefly discussed the window of tolerance, the optimal zone for coping with stressors, in which we can receive, process and integrate information most effectively. You’ll know you’re in your window if you’re interacting meaningfully with your partner, while also attending to how you’re feeling. But in stressful interactions, things happen so quickly that it can be tough to recognize what’s happening. Here are some telltale signs:
Above your window (hyperarousal), physically you may notice racing heartbeat, faster / shallower breathing, sweating, lightheadedness, muscle tension, even shaking. You may notice a lack of saliva making your mouth feel dry. You may become aware of racing thoughts, emotional reactivity, and intrusive images.
Below your window (hypoarousal), you may notice your body slumping. Your muscles may feel loose. You may notice a slowed heartrate. You may also feel numb, outside of yourself, flat, dead inside.
Skill #3: Guiding yourself back within your window of tolerance
There are several ways to get yourself back within your window of tolerance. The next time you find yourself above it or below it, experiment with one or more of these, and see what works for you.
Body scan: Scan your body for any areas that have tensed up. You might consciously tell yourself to let go of the tension.
Tense and release: Tense one muscle in your body. Hold that tension for a moment, and then release it.
Use of the breath: It may sound cliche, but it really works. Practice taking several purposeful breaths from your diaphragm. Breathe slowly and steadily. Try to notice your belly rising and falling with each in-breath and out-breath. You might imagine breathing relaxation into the tense or tight areas.
Ground yourself: If you’re sitting, notice the feel of your body against the chair. If you’re standing, notice the feel of your feet against the floor. Notice the connection between your feet and the ground. Notice the air in the room. Pay attention to the sounds in the room. These stimuli will get you in touch with the here and now, a hallmark of the window of tolerance.
Self-talk: Sometimes it helps to comfort yourself, to reason with yourself. You might say to yourself “This will blow over,” or “We’ll wind up resolving this somehow,” both of which are probably true.
Skill #4: Recognizing that your partner is outside of their window of tolerance
If your partner is above their window, you might observe dilated pupils, a reddening in the face, and a tightening of the facial muscles (especially around the jaw or forehead). Watch for a raising of the chin, agitated movement, jittery movement, and faster breathing (especially from the upper chest). Listen for higher volume, higher pitch, or a sharper vocal tone.
If they’re below it, you may notice constricted pupils, an endless stare, slumping, low energy. Your partner may appear to be emotionless and not present.
Skill #5: Signaling friendliness (guiding your partner back within their window of tolerance)
Recall from Process #6 that excessive stress or uncertainty in a child’s world, without parental support in processing it, can lead to an overactive amygdala, rendering it more likely to interpret neutral stimuli as threat. Recall from Process #7 that prolonged conflict in your relationship can exacerbate this effect. But you can recalibrate your partner’s threat-detection system. How? By not looking or sounding like a predator, and instead signaling friendliness. When you’re both slinging accusations with raised voices, to your partner’s amygdala, as it’s making lightning-quick assessments of threat, you might as well be a hungry tiger chasing its prey. How you look, how you sound, and how you deliver your message can make a difference. Aim for a neutral, non-threatening expression on your face. If you can muster a smile at this moment, even better. Tilting your head lower signals disarmament. A soft voice helps. Finally, emphasizing your own vulnerability goes a long way; more on that below.
Skill #6: Error-correcting
Inside your window of tolerance, the neocortex allows you to take new experience and integrate it. This new data may quiet your amygdala. That is, something that seemed like a threat can turn out to be a false alarm. Lean into this. When you sense that you’re back within the window, ask yourself it it’s possible that you’ve jumped to a quick conclusion. Allow yourself to think in more relativistic terms. Instead of “you always” or “you never,” perhaps it’s sometimes that your partner messes up. Perhaps you’ve both hurt each other. Or maybe they have good intentions, but because you’ve been in conflict, it’s been tough to realize that. Allow yourself to shift direction.
What it looks like: You try to apologize for something that you said. You look away from your partner. You then hear what may be a sigh. You’re expecting him to criticize you. Pause, and see what’s up. He may just be exhaling from the stress, about to thank you for apologizing.
Skill #7: Troubleshooting for the source of your partner’s distress
You and your partner are in each other’s care. Whether you like it or not, you’ve both assumed the role that your parents used to play (or should have played) when you were young. It’s your job to soothe each other, to make each other feel good. While Western culture traditionally emphasized self-reliance, that’s just hooey. Why? We’re not wired that way. We’re wired to rely on each other.
So in your role as mutual caregiver, identifying the nature of your partner’s distress is important. You probably respond with love and concern when someone you love is in physical pain. Well, emotional pain stings as strongly, sometimes more so. If you’re wondering why your partner is so angry or upset, it may be because one of the following themes has been implicated:
➟Not feeling heard ➟Feeling badly about yourself
➟Not feeling noticed ➟Feeling alone
➟Not feeling understood ➟Feeling embarrassed
➟Not being valued ➟Feeling abandoned
➟Feeling rejected ➟Feeling helpless
Any of these themes may derive from how your partner was parented, only to be re-triggered in your interactions. The sooner you identify the source of their distress, the sooner you’ll be able to soothe it.
Skill #8: Alleviating your partner’s distress
Recall that Process #10 referred to the quality of your signal response in alleviating your partner’s distress. If they’re in pain (physical or emotional), it’s your job to respond. So what do you do? Show that you notice that pain. Ask about it, in an open and curious manner. [There’s a decent chance it may derive from one of the above themes.] Clarify so you’ve sure you understand it. And then show that you care. This could be through words, through loving touch, or through a genuine look of concern and support on your face. If you and your partner develop a pattern of doing this for each other, over time the interpersonal stress discussed in Processes #9-10 (e.g. distancing or clinging) will be replaced by a healthier dynamic.
What it looks like: Your partner comes home from work, and does not look happy. Her face gives it away. With concern in your face, you ask, “Hey, what’s going on?” She replies, “I hope you had fun with your friends last night.” Internally, you recognize this as distress. With a gentle tone, you reply, “I’m sensing that it upset you that I came home so late.” She confirms. You continue to regard this as distress, similar to a wound that needs healing.
Skill #9: Making effective repair
With anyone you’ve known for a while or interact with frequently, it’s common for both of you to be able to recite a list of transgressions the other has committed. In effect, you’re really referring to times that they felt hurt, upset, disappointed, etc. What you’re both wanting is effective repair. To do this, first take ownership of your part in it (“I’m sorry I didn’t text you today”). Make sure you’re accurately stating the effect it had on the other person (“I know it upset you”). And remember, as soon as you recognize their distress, respond quickly. Timeliness matters; if your partner senses you’re aware of their distress but not responding, it’s easily interpreted as you not caring. If that’s what your partner’s parents used to do, you can give them a new, reparative experience.
Skill #10: Communicating your vulnerability
Now that you’ve shown your partner that you care, you deserve some of that too, right? Another important skill is conveying what you’re needing or how you’re feeling, in a manner that won’t lead to defensiveness. You may have heard of the I-statement; with practice, you can find a version of it that works for you. If it’s space that you’re needing, gently state that. If something didn’t feel good, tell your partner what made you feel that way (without criticism), and explain how it feels. This bypasses the amygdala, allowing your listener to remain within their window of tolerance, so they can feel able to relieve your distress.
What it looks like: “When you said that I have no clue how to be in a relationship, I felt discouraged. I need recognition that I’m trying. When I get it, it makes me try harder.”
This may all seem like a lot to take in... Go easy on yourself. It takes time to incorporate new skills into the mix. But soon you’ll be replacing reflexive, automatic patterns that may have been with you for years, and your relationships will be stronger as a result.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss. New York, N.Y.: Basic Books.
Levine, A. (2010). Attached. New York, N.Y.: The Penguin Group.