Full-Stack Relationship Development: 10 Back-End Processes

So many of us use front-end language when describing frustrating interactions with those who are important people to us. We’ll recite the words spoken and the actions taken within a recent argument (“She had the nerve to say I didn’t care,” “He walked out of the room while I was talking,” etc.). We’ll discuss our experience of the other (“He never listens,” “She drives me nuts,” etc.). We usually default to what’s visible and conscious, what you can see and interact with.  

In Relationship Advice for Techies: How to be Feelings-Compatible, I offered a number of tools, mostly behavioral (front-end) in nature, to employ when your partner is clearly upset, in order to defuse an argument.

But human interactions are guided by so much more than that; you’ll need a broader picture. The human brain is an incredible feat of engineering still unmatched by modern technology. Gaining insight into its inner workings can enable some valuable relationship hacks. In this post, you’ll become familiar with 10 back-end processes that impact relationships. This will help you figure out what’s causing tension, why the disagreement started, and how it worsened. [I’ll focus on romantic relationships, but these processes also apply to manager and direct report, cofounder and cofounder, adult and parent, etc.]

Behold the back end.

We’ll first venture into the brain, where different systems interact with each other, and where present-moment stimuli interact with past experience.

PROCESS #1: AMYGDALA SCANS ENVIRONMENT, DETECTING THREAT

Your amygdala is a cluster of neurons in your lower brain that receives input from the outer world. Outside of your awareness, it’s constantly scanning what’s around you, collecting gross perceptual data such as words, faces, voices, sounds, movements, postures and smells. The amygdala’s job is to identify anything that may potentially seem dangerous or threatening.

What it looks like: You notice your partner’s eyes narrowing or lips pursuing during a conversation. Your amygdala interprets this as a possible sign of hostility directed at you.

PROCESS #2: AMYGDALA READIES BODY FOR ACTION

If the amygdala detects a threat but there’s no time for error-correcting, it sounds a virtual alarm bell, and directs that stress-response hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) be released into your bloodstream. That adrenaline amps you up. Breathing becomes more shallow. Your body temperature increases. Your heart rate goes up. Blood moves from your stomach to your limbs to prepare you for action.

What it looks like: You think to yourself, “Why are you giving me that look?” and start to feel annoyed. This is the fight response.

PROCESS #3: EXCESSIVE CORTISOL → IMPAIRED MEMORY OF TRAUMA

A certain level of cortisol helps you remember something. But cortisol is actually a corrosive. Too much of this corrosive can actually shrink your hippocampus, the part of your brain that controls conscious memory. This means that memories formed during a time of high stress and high perception of threat will be fragmented.  

What it looks like: You’re sitting in couples therapy with your partner, telling the therapist about a recent argument. “And then you said that we were through.” “No I didn’t! I told you that I just needed some time.” “That’s not what you said.” “Yes it was.”

PROCESS #4: NEOCORTEX CORRECTS FOR ERRORS

If there’s time, it would be nice to determine whether a threat really exists before doing anything about it, right? This is why the amygdala sends the data to your neocortex, located higher in your brain. Here, you have the capacity for abstract reasoning, self-reflection, logic, relativism, empathy, and much more.

What it looks like: You remember that your partner got horrible sleep last night, and was under a lot of stress at work, and realize that how they’re acting is probably not about you.

PROCESS #5: WINDOW OF TOLERANCE → ABILITY TO TOLERATE EMOTIONS

Your window of tolerance refers to the range of arousal within which you function well, where emotions are both tolerable and available to consciousness. Within it, your neocortex (described above) allows you to reflect, and think in relativistic terms. Above it (hyperarousal), you’re amped up and reactive, with racing thoughts. Below it (hypoarousal), you may feel a sense of numbness or shutting down. Those of us with a narrow window often feel that their emotions are intense and difficult to manage, while those with a wider window can cope with greater extremes.

What it looks like: As you’re hearing your partner’s relentless criticism, you go right past anger to feeling sort of numb, as if you’re shutting down.

Next we’ll examine how the brain is impacted by experience - from interactions with early caregivers (referred to here as “parents” for the sake of simplicity) and then in romantic relationships.

PROCESS #6: TOO MUCH EARLY STRESS OR UNCERTAINTY + NO PROCESSING → OVERACTIVE AMYGDALA

When there’s too much stress or uncertainty in a child’s world, and the child does not get decent support in processing this, it can be stored as trauma. Same result when the parent is preoccupied with their own stuff, such that the child’s emotional experience is repeatedly overlooked or dismissed and not sufficiently soothed. Well, the brain is experience-dependent. Early traumatic experiences (and chronic release of adrenaline and cortisol) can prime the amygdala to be more sensitive, more likely to perceive threat where there is none. This can carry into adulthood.

What it looks like: Baby cries. Dad sees this and yells at baby to stop crying. Child is frightened every time she hears her parents yelling at each other. Child doesn’t know when the yelling is going to start again, and it’s happened for months.

PROCESS #7: PROLONGED DISCORD IN A RELATIONSHIP → OVERACTIVE AMYGDALA

Upsetting events in adult relationships can be stored as trauma in a similar way, especially if the amygdala was already primed from childhood to overperceive threat.

What it looks like: a) You’re never sure when your partner is going to become upset again, because you’ve been arguing so much; or b) Both you and your partner have felt hurt and betrayed in your relationship for a long time; or c) Your partner is always threatening to leave the relationship.

PROCESS #8: PARENTS’ RELATIONSHIP TO EMOTIONS → CHILD’S RELATIONSHIP TO EMOTIONS

Children often pick up on their parents’ level of comfort with experiencing emotion. Some parents give a name to what the child is feeling, show the child that it’s okay to feel it, and then soothe that feeling. Other parents ignore or dismiss what the child is feeling, and might even shame the child for feeling it. In either case, it’s easy for the child to internalize the pattern.  

What it looks like: When Mom hears that Baby has woken up and is crying, she feels anxious and rushes over to the crib every time. Baby is then deprived of the opportunity to practice soothing her own distress. Baby has learned that emotions are scary. Baby grows up to become an adult who excessively turns to others to soothe herself.

PROCESS #9: QUALITY OF SIGNAL RESPONSE FROM PARENTS → EXTENT OF INTERPERSONAL STRESS

A child quickly learns that certain emotions are “signals” that elicit a specific response from parents. When the parent takes too long to respond, only responds some of the time, inaccurately mirrors how the child is feeling, or scolds the child for having displayed how they’re feeling, the child is likely to carry a high level of interpersonal stress in relationships. This interpersonal stress comes in the form of excessive distancing or clinging.  

What it looks like: Baby smiles at Mom, trying to get her attention. Mom doesn’t notice. Baby makes a cooing noise and tries again. Mom still doesn’t notice. Baby then disengages by looking at the mobile hanging above the crib. Baby has learned not to connect, and not to feel. Baby grows up to become an adult who adopts a go-it-alone strategy; when he’s stressed, he pulls away or dissociates, causing his partner to feel alone.

PROCESS #10: QUALITY OF SIGNAL RESPONSE FROM ROMANTIC PARTNER → EXTENT OF INTERPERSONAL STRESS

This pattern of excessive distancing or clinging is reenacted in adult romantic relationships, and reinforced by further poor signal response. Conversely, a timely response that accurately mirrors your partner’s experience can help create a more secure dynamic in your relationship.

What it looks like: You’ve been working hard to meet a deadline at work. You come home to play Fortnite. Your partner begins talking about their own work stress, but videogames totally help you relax. Your partner barely notices you, and barely notices how you’re doing or what you’re needing, so they continue without interruption. This really feels like an intrusion.  

As you can see, the interplay between these processes is elaborate, and directly impacts how we feel, how we react, and decisions that we make. Accurately mirroring your partner’s experience is just one solution for tuning up these processes. In the next post, we’ll explore this and other related skills to reduce your stress and improve your relationships.

REFERENCES

Carrion, V.G., Weems, C.F., Reiss, A.L. (2007). Stress predicts brain changes in children: a pilot longitudinal study on youth stress, posttraumatic stress disorder, and the hippocampus. Pediatrics, 119(3), pp. 509-16.

Corrigan, F.M., Fisher, J.J. & Nutt, D.J. (2011). Autonomic dysregulation and the Window of Tolerance model of the effects of complex emotional trauma. Journal of Psychopharmacology, Vol. 25(1), pp. 17-25.

Siegel, D. (1999). The Developing Mind. New York, N.Y.: Guilford Press.

Solomon, M. & Tatkin, S. (2011). Love and War in Intimate Relationships. New York, N.Y.: W.W. Norton & Company.

Tatkin, S. (2011). Allergic to hope: Angry resistant attachment and a one-person psychology within a two-person psychological system. Psychotherapy in Australia, Vol. 18(1), pp. 66-73.

Tatkin, S. (2011). Wired for Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.