5 cheesy relationship analogies that every couple should know

In my work with couples therapy, over time I’ve found myself using analogies to illustrate various concepts about relationships. Thankfully, more often than not, they “land.” But internally, I’m usually rolling my eyes at myself, for what might be a compulsive habit. [Not sure what that’s about.] Anyway, if your goal is to make arguments less intense, and get them done with more quickly, here are a few that you might find helpful:

1. Bumpers in the bowling lane

Okay, so at the bowling alley, they have those bumpers to help the kiddos out as they’re learning to bowl, preventing the ball from going into the gutter.

That’s what you and your partner need: argument bumpers, so to speak. You’re both inevitably going to “mess up” and say things that are hurtful, especially in the beginning of conversations, as whatever you’re feeling is first building. When you’re feeling worked up, outside of your window of tolerance (described here, the part of your brain that’s responsible for error-correction is compromised. This can lead to black-and-white thinking (“You never answer my texts”) and catastrophic thinking (“Why should I even try anymore? It’s no use”), both of which make things worse.

So when you’re both beginning to explain how you feel, for the first minute or two, provide the bumper, allowing for a margin of error. See if you can guide both of you to the middle of the lane, by focusing on how you each feel, and not how the other person is bad. You can always convey later how those “words that would’ve gone into the gutter” impacted you.

2. The emotion mirror

Incoming! Invectives are being hurled your way. Despite your generous bumpers, your partner keeps going and going, criticizing you relentlessly, complaining, attacking. Instinct tells you to defend yourself or launch a counter-attack, right? Of course. Want to know what’d most benefit your relationship at this point? Become a mirror that only reflects emotions.

Yes, my friends, “be the mirror.” Reflect back on the emotion that your partner’s expressing (“I can hear how upset you are,” “You really feel hurt,” etc.). It’s like paraphrasing the emotion that you’ve heard. By doing so, you’re showing that you’ve captured what they’re really trying to convey beneath the criticism and that you get it. This brings them relief. Chances are, the level of intensity in their face or voice will recede, at least slightly.

3. The knee scrape

Imagine that you and your partner are out jogging. You trip and fall, scraping your knee, drawing blood. Your partner would likely be really concerned, right? You’d be able to sense the concern in their face and in their voice, right? Ok, now hold that thought.

This won’t come as much of a surprise, but our arguments are so often dominated by patterns of criticism and defense, or criticism and counter-criticism. What often gets lost is the hurt… the pain. When one of you wants more time together and the other doesn’t, that’s often felt as rejection, which stings. When one of you attacks the other’s character, that also hurts. When one of you is worried if you’re good enough for the other, that’s scary, which doesn’t feel good.

Get what I mean? See if you can identify the vulnerability beneath the attacks, and see it as pain. Your partner wants to know that when they’re in pain or distress of any type, you’ll respond with compassion. Even if you’re hurt as well, see if you can hold that for a moment (as in the slow tennis match below), to first soothe their distress.

4. The first grader’s painting

Remember that painting that you brought home to show your parents in like first grade? If your artistic abilities are like mine, it consisted of some splotches of paint thrown together and wasn’t… shall we say… fine art. But yet it came from you. The ideal parental response, after you excitedly presented your masterpiece, would’ve been genuine interest and enthusiasm (“Wow, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you”).   

Now imagine that one day in the future your partner, instead of criticizing you, shares one of the feelings described in #2 above… the sting of rejection, the hurt of having your character attacked, the fear of abandonment. Privately, your gut response might be, “That’s b.s. How could they possibly feel that way?” What to do, what to do? Suspend your disbelief, use the “emotion mirror,” and show the same level of interest that you would your child’s painting.

Why? Security in any relationship derives from the sense that you can feel whatever you’re feeling, knowing that the other person will notice… and care. It feels good to know that what’s important to you (in this case, a feeling) is important to them, even if they’re not feeling the exact same thing. It also feels good to know that if you’re struggling in any way, this person who’s supposed to care about you will respond compassionately. Just like the emotion mirror, when you provide this to your partner you’re providing relief, which usually reduces tension.

5. The slow tennis match

Ever watch beginners play tennis? One player will hit the ball over the net. If it’s sent with much speed, it flies past the other. The receiver then has to walk over and pick it up. As a spectator, this can feel maddeningly slow.

Perfect! That’s exactly how you want important conversations with your partner to go. I’ll explain.

When your partner shares that they’re upset, you want to show that you care. Use the emotion mirror. Let your partner know that it makes sense to feel that way. And show compassion in your voice and in your face. Before you do this stuff, don’t immediately jump to your own experience (“Well, I’m also pissed!”). You’ll first want to check that you’ve captured what’s happening for them. You might ask “What I’m hearing is that you’re feeling hurt that I didn’t text back sooner; have I got that right.” I know, this sounds as cheesy as my analogies, but it works.

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In the heat of the moment, I know it’s tough to think about compassion. As you’re being criticized, your amygdala is sounding the alarm bells, which amps you up with adrenaline. You’ll want to guide yourself back within your window of tolerance, that optimal range of arousal within which you function best. You’ll also want to remember at least one of these cheesy analogies, to defuse the tension, enabling you to get back to Netflix and chill, or makeup sex, or basically anything other than arguing.

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Andrew Kushnick is a couples therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings.