Languishing and Lousy News: 12 Ways to Master the "Meh."
Okay, maybe it’s not as bad as 2020… But still, wtf 2021?
The news from this year hasn’t provided much cheer. We read about political polarization, racial inequality, inflation, global warming, natural disasters, new COVID variants… making us uneasy, feeling like we can’t control what’s happening around us.
On top of that, so many of us are feeling blah, maybe numb or disconnected. We’re forgetting things and we’re lacking motivation. One day blurs into another. Things may feel aimless.
Psychologist Corey Keyes originally created the term “languishing” to describe this state of emptiness. According to Keyes, when you’re languishing you’re not depressed, but you’re also not “flourishing” (super-connected with others, finding joy in things, feeling a sense of purpose and meaning in life, etc.). And most who are languishing aren’t even aware of it, because it’s dull and not always apparent. But Keyes’ research revealed that those who are languishing are more likely to develop depressive or anxious disorders in the next 10 years.
Really uplifting article so far, huh?
Well we’re about to get to the good stuff… I humbly present 12 ways to master the “meh.”
Recognize if you’re languishing.
Are you finding it hard to focus? Are you noticing little joy right now? Do you find yourself withdrawing from the people you care about? Do you feel sort of aimless, as if you’re stagnating? Is it tough to be excited about the future? According to Adam Grant in his recent New York Times article, because this state of being is subtle, it can be difficult to know it’s happening. Before you can do something about it, it helps to first label it as languishing. You might find comfort in knowing that this is a thing… you’re not alone.
Reject the old stigma.
If you’re of a certain age, you may remember the myth of rugged American individualism. Think John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. The “strong,” silent type who masks feelings, seemingly invincible to vulnerability, to ups and down. It may make for compelling fiction, but it’s not how we’re wired. Our limbic system produces emotions whether we like it or not. So if you’re languishing, or if you’re just feeling sort of lost or unmotivated, or worried about the future, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not “crazy.” It just means that your brain is working.
Name it to tame it.
That means naming whatever you’re feeling. These days you might feel bored, listless, disconnected, empty, down, hopeless, anxious, etc. Whatever it is, practice saying the word to yourself (e.g. “okay, so I’m feeling blah today”). As Dan Siegel explains, assigning language to our experience sends soothing neurotransmitters from the left brain to the right brain. It also prompts us to pause and decide how we’d like to deal with that emotion. From there, you can accept and allow it, get to know it better, or do something to make it go away. The point is that you’re being purposeful, instead of being flooded and overrun.
Validate, validate, validate.
Send compassion to that part of you that worries. And also to that part of you that feels irritable and wants to lash out, to scream. Learn to love that part of you that wants to somehow avoid reality by playing Fortnite, by binge-watching Ted Lasso, by going down rabbit holes on Reddit. It all makes sense. And learn to question the messages we get from popular culture, telling us we’re not supposed to avoid, not supposed to express anger, etc. You’re feeling the way that you’re feeling for a reason. I suppose that “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was a catchy song back in the day, but as an overarching philosophy it’s kind of ridiculous. So whatever’s coming up for you, remember to validate it (e.g. “It makes sense that I’m feeling like crap today”). You’re bringing yourself some relief.
Resolve past stuff.
We’ve all experienced at least some adversity. Times when we couldn’t control what was happening, when we felt stuck or powerless. When something rattled us or scared us. It might result from growing up with critical parents, having emotionally-dismissive parents, being bullied, or from frequent arguments in romantic relationships. It’s all-too-common as a result of societal forces such as systemic racism. Borrowing from my own blog post, global events such as COVID-19 can do it too. It’s worse when something in the present reminds our brain of something we once went through. Our amygdala registers that as threatening, and it feels like we’re hijacked, as if we’re reliving what happened back then. As California’s Surgeon General explained, those with prior trauma experience more stress in response to the same trigger. If we heal past stuff (EMDR therapy is one way), we’re less likely to be impacted by whatever’s happening now.
Notice how ominous news impacts you.
Your head hits the pillow, and you’re ready to sleep. What do you really need? To feel at ease. To know that you’re safe in your surroundings - that your world is safe. Studies show that one thing we need is for our autonomic nervous system to be at rest (or almost there). If you’re checking out the news before bedtime, you’re likely seeing things that may seem concerning. Your amygdala interprets that as threatening, which can initiate the release of cortisol and adrenaline. Much has been written about “coronasomnia” during the pandemic.
Go all in on sleep hygiene.
If you like reading the news, maybe do that earlier in the day. Or in smaller doses. Or you might want to avoid screens altogether within 30 minutes of sleep, avoid eating too close to bedtime, create a peaceful environment around your sleeping space, etc. Here are some more tips, from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. It’ll likely sound familiar, as you’ve likely heard this stuff before and said to yourself “Yeah yeah, I should do that.” But to help with mood, and to build resilience against stress, it can’t hurt to implement some of these things.
Be mindful of “revenge bedtime procrastination.”
Journalist Daphne K. Lee tweeted in June 2020 that “revenge bedtime procrastination” happens when “people who don’t have much control over their daytime life refuse to sleep early in order to regain some sense of freedom during late night hours.” If you’re working long hours, even before the pandemic you were probably itching to carve out some “me time” at night. That may involve something mindless (e.g. swiping away on a dating app) or something you actually enjoy. No matter what it is, it matters that you chose it, and that you’re escaping from reality. So go ahead, get that revenge against all that sucks. You might give yourself a fixed limit by setting an alarm, ensuring that an hour of sweet revenge doesn’t turn into four.
Be controlling.
Thanks to the pandemic, we've had schedules shifted, responsibilities added, options limited. We didn’t choose this new reality, but for now we’re stuck with it. Studies during the pandemic have shown that this subjective sense that we have no control impacts our mental health. So we need to feel like we can affect what’s around us. How do we do this? As silly as it sounds, create something. Write something. Build something. Bake something (other than sourdough bread this time). Try a form of exercise you haven’t tried. Pick up a new hobby. Walk somewhere, bike somewhere, drive somewhere new. Text a friend you haven’t texted in a while. These may seem trivial, but they give us a badly-needed sense of control.
But accept what you cannot change.
Yes, this comes from the serenity prayer. Your actions can make the world a better place (for instance, getting vaccinated protects you and others). But there’s much that we can’t change on our own. Knowing the difference can limit your struggle against “what is,” bringing an inner sense of peace.
Let yourself grieve.
Just when we think life is getting back to “normal,” we hear new signs that it’s not. We might pretend we didn’t hear it, in effect fighting “what is,” in an attempt to feel better. This is human. But by accepting how our lives have changed, we can in effect grieve that loss of normalcy. As George Bonanno, Ph.D. explained to the American Psychological Association, we can tell ourselves, “This is not the way the world is anymore, and I need to adapt.” Bonanno added, “It’s okay to feel grief over what we’re losing. When we do that, it allows us to let grief do its job, so that we can move on.”
Tell the story of your resilience.
In tough times, it helps to remember where you came from, what shaped you, the people who support you, the skills you’ve demonstrated, the values you hold dear, and your hopes for the future. Weaving this narrative together allows you to recognize your true resilience, and gives you a path forward. According to Dan Siegel, MD, this storytelling process connects the left brain and the right brain, calming your entire system. Although David Denborough’s book Retelling the Stories of Our Lives first introduced this concept, it can be truly brought to life in therapy.
With a little effort, you can lift yourself out of the muck. So go ahead and try some of this stuff!
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Stay tuned for 12 more ways to master the “meh.” We’ll get even more granular, with tips and tricks to feel good and actually thrive despite the uncertain times.
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Andrew Kushnick is a Certified EMDR therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Appointments are available during afternoons and evenings, both over video and in person. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.