Languish No More: 12 More Ways to Master the “Meh.”
In “Languishing and Lousy News: 12 Ways to Master the ‘Meh.” you were introduced to “languishing,” a concept that describes how so many of us have been feeling during the pandemic, almost two years in, with no clear sense when this thing will finally be behind us, once and for all.
As a quick refresher, “languishing” is a strange in-between state of “blah.”
It’s like the color beige (with apologies to my dear mom and anyone else who likes beige).
We’re going about our days, showing up and doing what’s required of us, but finding it hard to focus. We’re getting by…and that’s it. We’re technically there, but not really there. Not excited by things, not finding much meaning. Not feeling that much at all. It’s not outright depression, but we’re not doing cartwheels either.
In my work as a psychotherapist in San Francisco, I encounter many folks who are struggling in some way.. And they’re searching for solutions - concrete ways to feel better.
But each of us is unique in what resonates with us, what we absorb, what speaks to us.
This is why, despite the (hopefully) helpful strategies in the OG, a sequel just had to happen. You deserve more choices and more options, so you can choose strategies that fit you and how you think.
So without further adieu, let’s launch into it: 12 more ways to master the “meh.”
Ask yourself what you care about.
What do you give more than zero Fs about? There must be something. Some examples: helping a friend, creating something beautiful, protecting our planet, learning a new skill, feeling physically fit, being a more loving partner, rearing your child to live a fuller life, etc. You’re essentially asking yourself “What really matters to me?” And you’re asking because finding purpose - something that drives you - can help things feel less empty, with more energy to forge ahead.
But if you’re about to forge ahead, it helps to know which direction you’d like to go.
One small step for [your name here].
This means forcing yourself to do anything that moves you in the direction of what you care about.
Social learning theory tells us that the consequences of a behavior help determine its likelihood. Well, if it’s something you care about, it’s more likely to lead to a good feeling. Once you experience that good feeling, you’re more likely to repeat it.
Here’s a quick example: If feeling more physically fit is something you care about, walk around the block once. Before that first step, every fiber of your being might tell you, “No way dude, plant yourself on the couch and stay there!” But once you start walking, you might notice how nice the fresh air feels, how good the sun feels on your face. And you might feel even a tiny bit energized by being in motion. Taking in all this good stuff, the next day you might find yourself going further, more often, etc.
Advocate for the devil.
I mean, um… be your own devil’s advocate.
These days, it’s easy to get disheartened by the news. It’s easy to doomscroll because we’re bored. Or we might read a friend’s posts on social media, venting about how bad things are.
Besides putting us in a sour mood, know what else this does? It produces thoughts that don’t serve us well, otherwise known as cognitive distortions. For example, from time to time we all catastrophize. We all think in black-and-white, all-or-nothing terms. We’re all armchair fortune tellers, thinking we know what’ll happen. You’re not alone; these negative thought patterns are universal, and habitual. Some examples: “This year is going to suck.” “Why should I text my friend to hang out? I’m not going to have fun anyway.”
So what’s the solution? Access that devil’s advocate to take a contrary view. Ask yourself, “Is there another way to look at this?” The counter voice might say, “Well maybe this year there will be some good and some bad.” This is more realistic, and more adaptive. Because thoughts influence how we feel, that counter-thought lifts us up.
Up the oxytocin.
You know you want it. We all know you want it. Why? Because oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, is the quickest way to regulate the body’s stress response system and bring you some calm. Once released into the bloodstream, the level of cortisol (the “stress hormone”) plummets, and your blood pressure drops as well.
How do you get this awesome oxytocin? In her book “Bouncing Back,” Linda Graham, MFT suggests safe touch through “hugs, nuggles, holding hands, partner dancing, cuddles with a pet, massage, or body work.”
Get yourself connected.
Friendships have been shown to improve physical health and mental health in so many ways. Interestingly, research also points to a positive neurochemical effect. When we connect with a loved one, or remember a time when we did, that actually stimulates the release of oxytocin. It can even happen when we imagine someone we love and feel loved by. Pretty cool, right?
So to help rise above languishing, send that text. Make that call. Slide into your friend’s DMs. Or better yet, get some actual face time - in person. You don’t need to be doing anything spectacular. Just give yourself some of that sweet oxytocin, and you’ll start to lift out of that rut.
Find your flow.
According to Adam Grant in his New York Times article on langushing, “Flow is that elusive state of absorption in a meaningful challenge or a momentary bond, where your sense of time, place and self melts away.”
Diane Allen, a violinist and keynote speaker, added that when you’re in flow, not only do you lose track of time, but things start to feel effortless… easeful.
So what’s the best way to get there? Headspace.com explains that achieving that flow state requires “giving your fullest attention to an activity or task that you are incredibly passionate about, singularly focused on, and totally immersed in.”
Only you know what those activities or tasks are. You might make a list of three things that you’ve always been jazzed by. Think along the lines of something fun, something engaging, something you’re good at that draws you in. Choose one to start with. Set aside some time, with no distractions. Then just lose yourself in it.
What an awesome way to escape from pandemic-era doldrums.
Screenshot what’s good.
Imagine you’re hanging out with someone you care about. You’re having an amazing conversation. Laughing together. A split-second thought tells you “This is a nice moment.” Why not preserve it?
According to psychologist Rick Hanson at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, “[T]he brain takes its shape by what the mind rests upon.” By consciously focusing on something on a repeated basis, over time this “will leave an enduring imprint on neural structure, like a surging current reshaping a riverbed.”
What does this mean? In that moment of laughter and connection with a loved one, you can take a mental screenshot of sorts. Notice it. Notice how nice it feels. In doing so, you’re actually strengthening your brain’s ability to recognize those moments. Moments we all need more of.
Compartmentalize.
Working from home can easily blur the boundaries between parts of our day. One thing blends into the next… work, nap, work, phone, work, meal, work, etc. “Blursday” can be disorienting and lead us to feel stuck, even irritable.
To counter this, make it clear to yourself what you’re doing, when you’re doing it. “This is work; I’m working.” Or “This is my time to unwind.” Consider sectioning off each part of the day, as if you were required to do only that one thing.
Embrace JOMO.
It’s the joy of missing out. No need to succumb to the endless scroll of social media, as you passively take in stuff that you don’t really care about. The next time you find yourself spending more than a few minutes passively absorbing tweets, stories, etc., say the word “scrolling” to yourself. Notice how this activity is making you feel. Chances are it’s promoting that sense of nothingness that epitomizes languishing.
If you picked up your device because no other option seemed that great, that’s understandable. But you might find a substitute that uplifts you or nourishes you. Want an example? Real-life contact with friends and loved ones. Want more? Check this out.
Accept social awkwardness.
For a long time, we were working from home, avoiding going inside restaurants, coffee shops, bars, movie theaters, etc. We were keeping away from large events like shows, concerts and sporting events. In-person interactions were steadily dwindling.
“Use it or lose it” - that’s an expression from neuroscience. When brain cells are used, and are communicating with other brain cells, our access to that brain function is strengthened. Don’t use them, and you lose them. On a less wonky level, this means that social skills can atrophy when we don’t practice them.
So in the near future, we may stumble with things that used to come naturally to us. Things like greeting with a handshake or a hug. Reading facial expressions. Introducing ourselves. Sharing an appropriate amount. Actively listening when someone’s speaking. Empathy.
In September 2020, the National Social Anxiety Center wrote that “every single one of us is now socially awkward to a certain extent.” It’s probably still true, almost 18 months later. Integrating into a more social world can be scary, as I (prematurely) wrote almost a year ago.
So go easy on yourself. Embrace it. We’re all in the same boat, you’re doing fine, and it’ll keep getting better.
Be the anti-groundhog.
With lots of love for our furry friends (and a tip of the hat to Bill Murray), do the opposite of “Groundhog Day.” A great way to feel less stuck is to break out of your routines.
Doing something new or novel has been shown to stimulate the release of dopamine, the feel-good chemical in your brain. So why not give yourself that good feeling?
If you’ve been a creature of habit during the pandemic, try changing up what you eat, what you wear, the path you walk, the shows you watch, the decor on your wall, the hobbies you engage in, etc. You might want to start with just one thing at a time, and notice even if it brings the slightest rush, the slightest hint or joy. Then try a second thing.
Channel your inner Yoda.
Yoda lives in us all, as creepy as that may sound. We’re all born with this innate sense that directs us, guides us. It knows what we need to feel more okay. You’ll hear therapists refer to this as “wise mind.” When faced with a tough situation, it might tell you (cue Yoda voice), “Make it through this, you will.”
Try it out sometime. Let’s say you wake up and you’re just not feeling it. Not in the mood for any of this. Maybe it’s the state of the world, or maybe things just feel blah.
In that moment, ask inside. Go ahead… ask! You’re reaching inside to access your own natural wisdom. You might doubt that you’ve got it in you, but you do. You’re asking what your next step should be, what you can do to comfort yourself, soothe yourself, propel yourself forward. “Appear, the answer does.”
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Andrew Kushnick is a Certified EMDR therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Appointments are available during afternoons and evenings, both over video and in person. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.