What to Do When You're Triggered: 25 Tips From an EMDR Therapist
“So what do I do?”
I hear it frequently.
“I get triggered.” “I get really upset.” “I can’t calm down.” “I lose my shit.”
In the very first session, therapy clients understandably want to know, especially those seeking EMDR therapy.
We can all relate.
They describe moments we can all relate to. Somebody says something, or something happens to you. All of a sudden your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race, it feels like tunnel vision. Your fists might clench. Your muscles may tense up. A flash of anger comes on quickly, or maybe it’s intense anxiety. You feel overwhelmed. It feels like time has stopped, and nothing else seems to matter. It’s this intense emotional reaction that may surprise us. It can last for a few hours, or sometimes much longer.
As we EMDR therapists put it, in this moment you’re outside of your window of tolerance, that zone of optimal physiological arousal in which we’re truly present with how we feel.
Why does this happen?
It’s a universal reaction, courtesy of your amygdala. It scans your environment looking for anything that might resemble things you’ve experienced before. So if you’ve ever been disregarded, unseen, overlooked, undervalued, abandoned, trapped, or felt not good enough, that registers in the brain as trauma.
In this moment, your nervous system is reacting not only to the present, but also the past. In other words, the amygdala remembers dozens of times that you’ve felt overlooked, for instance. So it’s reacting to this time, and all those other times.
That’s why our huge emotional reaction usually surprises us. We may even beat ourselves up about it… “Why am I overreacting? Well, now you know. The amygdala’s job is to keep us safe, by storing and memorizing anything even remotely threatening… anything that affects how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and yes, safety.
How do I recover?
“Okay, so I’m having this huge reaction. How do I get back to normal?”
I’m glad you asked. It’s a great question, and this blog post has the answers. 25 of them!
We need practical ways to get back to baseline, so we can function again. These things need to be easy and accessible. Fortunately, from my experience providing EMDR therapy over the years, I’ve gathered tons of ideas… and they work.
It’s a diverse mix of techniques, based on how the brain works. Some are more body-based, some are thought-based. But all have roughly the same effect.
So print this list out, bookmark it, whatevs. Keep it handy. Put it on your refrigerator. [Do people do that anymore?]
That way, when it happens (and it happens to all of us), you won’t have to do any extensive thinking. You’ll have go-to methods to turn to very quickly.
Alright, here we go… your top 25 ways to chill, to relax your nervous system, to feel more okay.
Pause, before anything else. Ideally for 5 minutes, but even a minute will do. This buys you some time to choose how you want to handle this. Do you want to react reflexively, which would be understandable (and human) but could damage relationships? Or do you want to try to get back to baseline, to feel more okay, to get some perspective? Pro tip: set a timer on your phone, to really get the benefit of those 5 minutes.
Name it to tame it. You’re triggered; it’s no big deal. Happens to each and every one of us. So name it. “I’m feeling triggered right now.” Or “I’m having an emotional reaction.” To quote Dr. Dan Siegel of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA, “name it to tame it.” By putting words to your experience, you’re sending a soothing neurotransmitter to your amygdala, which can bring relief and relative calm.
Say to yourself, “Yes I’m triggered, but I’m not in danger.” Remember, our amygdala sounds the alarm when something seems threatening. Its job is to survey what’s around us, looking for what resembles anything that might harm us (or our self-esteem). But it’s like a radar screen with false positives; it errs on the side of picking up too many things. Sometimes we need to correct it. For example, if you’re in a 1-1 with your manager and she gives constructive criticism, your heart might start racing, and you may be inclined to sharply defend yourself. Maybe your manager’s voice subconsciously reminds you of a critical parent. Regardless, you can then “update” your amygdala, telling it “I’m not really in danger,” or “This is not a true threat.” It’s like saying “false alarm,” letting the nervous system know that the alarm bells aren’t needed this time.
Say to yourself, “This is old stuff.” In that same situation with your manager, there may be a younger part of you that’s remembering your dad yelling at you, your mom criticizing you, feeling overwhelmed in a previous job, etc. Something in your environment (your manager’s voice or face) is now reminding that younger part of you of the scary thing, so you get this outsized reaction, which may surprise you. So your system is actually reacting to something that happened long ago, but it feels like it’s happening now. So let that triggered part of you know the difference. You might tell yourself, “That was then, and this is now.” It may sound silly, but sometimes that younger part needs to be “updated” to the present day, where the threat doesn’t actually exist.
Remind yourself of your adulthood. Still in that same situation with your manager, it’s possible that the one who’s getting really triggered is the 8-year-old in you (for instance), who felt powerless around an angry or controlling parent. Or who sensed that no one really cared how you felt. The solution: try reminding yourself that you're an adult, in an adult body, with adult capabilities. You’re taller than you were as a child. You may have your own place to live, an adult job, etc. It’s another way for the younger part of you to see that “that was then, and this is now.” And now, with those adult resources, you’re safer.
Use progressive muscle relaxation. When a situation feels threatening or upsetting, our sympathetic nervous system tenses our muscles, priming us for action. But what if there’s no real danger, as discussed in #3 above? The problem is that the muscle tightness sends false danger signals to the amygdala. To re-calibrate, purposely tense up particular muscles for about 5 seconds as you breathe in, and then relax them as you breathe out. Notice how your muscles feel as you relax them. Stay in this state of relaxation for 10 seconds before moving onto the next muscle group. You might start with your feet and work your way to the forehead. Use just enough that you can feel the squeeze, but not so much that it’s painful.
Tap in a peaceful place. Visualize somewhere that you’ve been (or somewhere you can imagine) where everything feels peaceful and calm. Where your worries seem far away. Place yourself there, in your mind’s eye, and notice the sense of calm. Now let’s “tap that in,” using the butterfly hug. Cross your arms and use your hands to tap one shoulder and the other, left, right, left, etc. If you’re more comfortable tapping your knees or the side of your legs, then do that. Go for about 20-30 seconds until you really feel that sense of calm in your body. Besides calming the nervous system in the moment, you’re also installing neutral pathways in your brain associated with this peaceful place, making it more accessible for whenever you need to tap in this resource again.
Tap in someone who soothes you. Picture someone that you know (or someone you’ve never met) whom you associate with calm. Maybe it’s their soothing voice, the steady way they carry themselves, or their reassuring outlook. Now imagine yourself sitting with them, and they’re conveying that calm, maybe through verbal reassurance, through a hug, or just their presence. Notice the sense of calming relief inside. Then “tap that in,” same as in #7 above. For more on tapping in a resource, check out the last portion of this blog post.
Count it down. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method. This one’s easy to remember: Name five things you can see around you, four things you can touch around you, three things you can hear around you, and two things you can smell around you. Then take one deep, slow breath. During a moment when anxiety makes us feel detached or not present, this method engages your senses, grounding you in the here-and-now.
Focus on multiple sensations. Similar to 5-4-3-2-1, but it works differently. Start by focusing on your breath. Notice the coolness of the air on the in-breath, and the warmer air on the out-breath. Now add a second sensation, like the feel of your feet on the floor. Then add a third sensation: any sound that you hear in the room, or the temperature of the air. By the time you add that third focus, it’s hard to think about your thinking, amirite? You’re welcome. :P
March it out. This is an intervention we commonly use with kids, but it works for adults too. Okay, so I’d like to stomp your feet on the floor, like purposely. That’s right… you’re marching left-right-left for a bit. Maybe even march in a circle. As you do, notice the motion of your feet. Notice your feet making contact with the ground. When we’re triggered and out of sorts, our nervous system wants to know where we are in space. You’re not only channeling any anger that’s inside, but you’re also (literally) grounding yourself. Sticking with a military theme…
Be a Navy SEAL. That is, practice box breathing. Here’s a technique that Navy SEALs practice in high-stress situations (they call it “tactical breathing”). Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds (slowly counting to 4), hold for 4 seconds, exhale slowly through your mouth for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Then repeat a few times. It’s that simple.
Name some objects. Start by sitting in a chair with your feet firmly planted against the floor. Now look around the room and identify a few objects. You might start by locating three things around you that are blue. Or three things that are circular in shape. What’s the point? When we’re triggered, our prefrontal cortex is knocked offline. Naming objects requires executive functioning (which is stored there), bringing higher-brain functions like reasoning and relativistic thinking back online.
Describe something in annoying, excessive detail. Here’s another way to engage the prefrontal cortex: Describe an object around you well. Like really well… we’re talking excessive detail. For instance, notice that lamp over there. Describe to yourself its color, its shape, its texture, any shadows around it, how much it weighs, etc. Or notice that artwork hanging on the wall. Approximately how long and wide is the frame? What colors are present? You get the idea.
Describe the room in detail. Another variation on naming objects, to restore higher brain functions: Look around the room, and describe what you see in great detail. For instance, “The walls are a light beige color. The floor is hardwood, and brown. The sunlight is shining through the window. I’m sitting down on my couch. The cat is sleeping in the corner.”
Imitate a professional food critic. Treat yourself to a snack that you like, and act as if you’re a professional food critic, writing a review in your head. In that review, you’re describing the flavors your taste buds are sensing. Add something about the texture. E.g. “I just put the cookie in my mouth, and I can immediately sense the sweetness. As I bite down, I can feel the soft crunch against my teeth.”
Give voice to the feeling. Here’s another one that may have you scratching your head. One might think that giving voice to a feeling would just make it stronger, that the answer is to squash it instead. Au contraire. Let’s think of the part of you that’s anxious or overwhelmed as a living, breathing part of you that needs tending to. It needs to feel seen and heard. So let that part speak for a minute, or let it write a paragraph expressing how it feels. It then feels “witnessed.” As a result, the part might feel relieved, and amazingly it usually feels okay relaxing a bit.
Spell a word, backwards. Maybe start with the word “happy.” Or “peaceful.” Sound out each letter, working backwards. As you do this, your brain has to consciously think of the letters… yet another way to bypass the fight-flight-freeze response.
Use a coping statement. “I can get through this.” “I’m resilient.” “I’m handling this.” Doesn’t have to be anything specific, really. Just whatever you come up with, whatever works for you. Slowly say it to yourself, repeating 2-3 times if necessary.
Move it. That is, move your body. Do 20 jumping jacks. Or tap your feet on the ground to make a beat. Or dance for 30 seconds. Of course it’s silly, but try it! When we’re going through something that’s stressful or overwhelming, our nervous system naturally wants to “move through” something. Simulating that with physical movement can help.
Be the Buddha. Imagine the Buddha sitting with legs crossed, calmly watching a parade of stuff go by, accepting whatever it is. Your thoughts are that “stuff.” Watch it come from your left, and follow it as it leaves to the right, out of view. You’re embodying “this too shall pass.” All thoughts and feelings come and go… they’re with us, and then they’re out of our view.
Do the “voo.” By that, I mean “voo breathing.” Like so many methods on this list, you might chuckle at this one, and I don’t blame ya. But here’s what it is: Inhale and allow your lungs to fill all the way with air. Then as you do a nice, long exhale through the mouth, make a “voo” sound. As you do this, you’ll feel your entire chest and diaphragm vibrate, and that’s a good thing. Notice how that feels. Rinse and repeat.
Have a heart, will ya? Place your hand over your heart, noticing the warmth of your own touch. Try lengthening the spine. Breathe in and out for three cycles, noticing the sensation of the air through your nose or mouth, and the sense of calm that it brings. Now place your other hand over your chest, again noticing that touch, which releases oxytocin, a naturally-occurring hormone that calms the nervous system.
Hug it out. We all want it. We all need it. A hug, that is! Find someone to hug you, or hug yourself. Go ahead and squeeze. Know what you’re doing? You’re reducing cortisol, the stress hormone. You’re giving yourself some sweet oxytocin, which has been shown to help us tolerate pain. And it’s believed that a hug also releases endogenous opioids, which regulate stress.
Walk the walk. Take yourself on a short stroll, preferably outside. As you walk, bring your attention to your body, and out of your head. Notice how your feet hit the ground, how your feet roll, the movement in your knees, hips and shoulders. Play with your usual gait; mix it up. Notice how your body feels as compared to before the walk.
Choosing your top 3
Now that you have 25 possibilities, I’d recommend choosing 5 of them to practice right now, when you’re not triggered. Of those 5, choose 3 that work the best for you during the practice run. Then, when the time comes, when the alarm bells are sounding and your prefrontal cortex is impaired, you won’t have to scramble and think of what to do. You will have created neural pathways in your brain associated with those 3 methods, and you can rely on “muscle memory,” so to speak.
So how do I not get triggered so much?
Another good question. While there are several effective forms of trauma therapy, I’ve found EMDR therapy to be super-helpful in resolving the “earlier stuff” that your amygdala remembers when it sends you into high alert. For answers to frequently-asked questions about EMDR, click here. Or, feel free to contact me for a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation.
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Andrew Kushnick is a psychotherapist who primarily works with clients in the San Francisco Bay Area. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings.
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References
Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Graham, L. (2013). Bouncing back: Rewiring your brain for maximum resilience and well-being. New World Library.
Parnell, L. (2008). Tapping in: A step-by-step guide to activating your healing resources through bilateral stimulation. Sounds True, Inc.
Peyton, S. (2017). Your resonant self. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Schwartz, A. (2016). The complex PTSD workbook: A mind-body approach to regaining emotional control & becoming whole. Althea Press.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.