9 ways to stop being self-critical

We beat ourselves up with thoughts. We replay conversations and interactions, ruminating over anything we might have done wrong… our words, our actions, our decisions. We judge ourselves to be “not good enough.”

It keeps us up at night. It distracts us from our work. It makes us less “present” in conversations. It prevents us from enjoying what’s around us. It makes us feel pretty badly. 

It’s downright mean, the way we criticize ourselves.

Can this pattern be changed? Is there a way to break this unfortunate but all-too-common habit? You betcha.  

In this post, I offer 9 nifty methods and techniques to help you stop being self critical, and instead give yourself some relief. And here we go:

1. Be a thought-catcher. We produce these self-critical thoughts all the livelong day. But they happen so fast that they’re hard to notice. They’re like gnats, and it’s up to you to catch them and get rid of them. 

2. Spot it. By knowing what these thoughts look like and sound like, you might be able to catch ‘em. They’re likely to:

• be labels (e.g. “I’m a loser”);

• be absolutes (e.g. “I’m the dumbest person in the world”);

• include shoulds or shouldn’ts;

• imply that you have ESP (e.g. “I should’ve known he was going to react that way”);

• involve comparisons (there’s always going to be someone who’s got some quality you wish you had);  

• hold yourself to a standard of perfection (if this is you, read more here). 

You might consider writing down your “favorite” ones, so that you’ll recognize them when they re-appear.

3. “Notice how that made you feel.” I know, such a therapist thing to say. But seriously, when you put yourself down, did you just make yourself feel better? I doubt it. If the self-critical thought whizzed by at lightning speed and you didn’t catch it, you might still notice the after-effects. You might notice a feeling of anxiety, frustration or sadness. 

4. Recruit other thought-catchers. Give someone close to you permission to point it out when they notice you being so hard on yourself.  

5. Engage in some roleplay. Before you get too excited, I’m talking about a different type of roleplay. Imagine that the harsh criticism or judgment you levy at yourself were instead directed towards your mother, your spouse, or your child. Imagine the effect it would have on them. And imagine how badly you’d feel for them. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Overall, you want your loved ones to feel good about themselves, right? 

6. Love thyself. You deserve the same compassion that you’d feel for your mother, your spouse or your child. Really. You’ve made mistakes, because everyone has. You’ve got flaws, as we all do. But deep down, we’re all just trying to get by, live our lives, and be happy. You’re no exception.

7. Recall a nurturing figure. Think of someone who’s forgiven your mistakes, accepted you the way you are, and made you feel good about yourself. If you can’t think of anyone you’ve met, think of a character in a TV show or a movie that you associate with this sort of kindness. Allow yourself to feel their nurturing. An EMDR therapist will introduce you to tapping, which can help perpetuate that feeling of nurturance, building and strengthening neural pathways in your brain associated with that feeling. Laurel Parnell’s book Tapping In is also excellent.

8. Be the contrarian. For every argument, there’s a counter-argument. Any harsh statement you might direct towards yourself can be countered by its opposite. For instance, “I completely messed up that presentation” can be turned into “I stumbled over my words once or twice, but otherwise it went okay.” 

9. Challenge your beliefs about self-criticism. So many of us went through childhood receiving messages from early caregivers about achievement (e.g. “If you don’t do your homework, you’ll never get into a good college”; “If you don’t apply yourself, you’ll never make it”). It’s so easy for kids to take statements like that and internalize them. Those kids then become adults who push themselves too hard, and believe that only by being so tough on themselves will they succeed. If this sounds familiar, it might be helpful to explore this further with a therapist.

The fact that you’re even reading this post is a decent start. Why? Because it demonstrates that you recognize that you’re hard on yourself, which can sometimes take years to realize.

Why did I stop at 9, when I could have gone for 10? I could have made this blog post “better.” But, to roughly paraphrase Stuart Smalley, “Goshdarnit, it’s good enough, and so are you.”