“Isn’t It Ironic?” Overcome Ironic Processes to Focus, Improve Sleep, and Heal Trauma.
The white bear
Ok so you’re about to start reading this blog post. But first, whatever you do, just don’t think of a white bear.
[Pause…]
What image popped into your mind just now? Of course it was a white bear.
How did that happen? It’s called ironic processes of the mind.
Another example: work presentations. As you’re about to walk into the conference room, you repeat to yourself, “Don’t be nervous. Don’t be nervous.” With that thought in your head, good chance you’ll soon have clammy hands, tension in your body, etc.
Ironic processes of the mind
So what’s going on here? What are ironic processes?
According to Daniel M. Wegner, a social psychologist at Harvard University, “efforts at self-control of mental states” result in both “intentional and counterintentional effects.”
Stated more simply, the harder we try to not think something or feel something, the more likely it is that we will. We might be able to distract ourselves for a minute, but then it comes back even stronger.
What’s happening in the brain
In his research, Wegner found that while one part of your brain is trying to not think of the white bear, another part is conducting a “monitoring process.” That “monitoring” part is repeatedly checking to make sure that you’re successful, that you’re not thinking about the white bear. But ironically, that reminds your brain of the white bear again and again.
Wegner wrote, “[T]he monitoring process searches continuously for sensations and thoughts that are inconsistent with the achievement of successful control.”
Other psychologists have called this “anticipatory anxiety.” In other words, if you’re concerned that you’re going to think about something or feel something, you’ll feel compelled to check whether this is happening. Which makes it happen.
More examples
The yips.
“The Happiness Lab” is a brilliant podcast hosted by Dr. Laurie Santos of Yale University. In one episode, Dr. Santos interviews pro golfers about the dreaded “yips.” When golfers are about to putt, they’ll often think about where they don’t want the ball to go. Ironically, studies show this can make the ball go to that forbidden place. Same with penalty kicks in soccer.
Displacement when you get home.
We’ve all had stressful days at work or school. What happens later that day, when we come home and interact with those we care about? In one study, several hours after being criticized by their boss, one group of parents were told not to show any stress around their kids. Those parents showed more anger and less warmth towards their kids than the group who were not told to suppress their feelings.
Orgasm.
Just like rushing to get to sleep, sex is another setting in which many of us badly want something to happen. In her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Laurie Mintz explains, “Setting up an orgasm as though it’s an aim to achieve makes having an orgasm less likely.”
Pressure to fall asleep.
You need to wake up early for something important. The night before, you quickly hop into bed and anxiously tell yourself, “I need to get to sleep, like now.” Think you’re getting to sleep right then? Fat chance. There’s an anxious thought floating around (“I need to get to sleep”), which leads to an underlying feeling of stress in your body. Unfortunately you’ll be up for a bit.
Bad dreams.
We’ve all had those nights when something’s troubling us, and we try to put it out of our minds to get to sleep. In one study, college students who were told not to think about a particular person right before sleep were more likely to dream about that person.
Trauma produces thoughts, images and emotions.
Most of us have experienced trauma in one form or another; it goes way beyond what most people think it is.
Trauma can come in the form of a one-time event (e.g. an accident, the death of a loved one, a breakup) or from an ongoing set of circumstances in which we feel helpless or lacking control (e.g. struggling to keep your job, growing up with parents who didn’t adequately mirror your emotions, growing up with overly-critical parents, etc.).
It’s basically an upsetting or stressful event (or set of circumstances) that causes us to feel unsafe, afraid, helpless, overwhelmed, isolated, or lacking control over what’s happening.
Whatever the nature of the trauma, it usually produces thoughts we don’t want to think about, images we don’t want to see, and emotions we don’t want to feel. We might replay a conversation in our head, and feel regret, embarrassment or shame. We might be harshly self-critical. We may worry about our relationships, about the future, about our world. There could be catastrophic, black-and-white thoughts. Feelings of hopelessness. Dread about the future. A feeling of anger about what someone said to us. Doubts whether others can be trusted. Or flashbacks to earlier stuff.
Ways to avoid
These uncomfortable thoughts, images and emotions are not fun. So what does our brain brilliantly produce? Ways to avoid them. We might repress this stuff, minimize it, deny that our childhood was rough, dissociate when things seem overwhelming.
What happens when we avoid
But hey, we need to talk about what happens in our body when we suppress or avoid this stuff.
In a 1998 study at Stanford University, students were shown footage of an amputation. One group was told to not show any outward signs of emotion as they watched. As compared to the control group (who were allowed to show whatever they were feeling), this group showed a spike in heart rates, constricted blood vessels, and greater perspiration.
In another famous study, students who had experienced deeply troubling traumatic events were asked to write for 15 minutes per day on four consecutive days. One group was asked to write about their trauma, while the other wrote about superficial topics. All volunteered to have their medical records tracked. Six months later, the students who wrote about trauma showed stronger immune responses and improved mood, and went to the doctor way less frequently. In other words, those who kept it a secret experienced more health problems.
A 2013 study from the Harvard School of Public Health showed that higher levels of emotional suppression were associated with a 35% greater likelihood of death from any cause after 12 years, along with a 70% higher likelihood of death from cancer after 12 years.
What does this all mean? Suppressing emotions harms your health.
Putting it all together
Okay, so from ironic processes theory, we know that trying to suppress unwanted thoughts, emotions and images only brings them back more strongly, and leads to harmful health effects.
Wegner’s proposals
Wegner (who coined the term “ironic processes”) recommended that instead of trying to avoid a thought or an emotion, you might focus on something else that interests you (e.g. a red Volkswagen). He also proposed exposure therapy, of sorts - allowing yourself to obsess about the thought in a controlled way, so that it doesn’t come back later.
But why trick your brain? That means that when this stuff naturally comes up, we’re still trying to not think a thought, feel an emotion, see an image.
7 ways to overcome ironic processes
Rather than trying to control what your brain naturally does, why not face it head on? Otherwise, the monitoring process is doing its thing, checking to see if you’re thinking about the white bear. Here are 5 ways to overcome ironic processes:
Notice it.
In effect, you’d be saying “I see you, white bear.” Instead of trying to avoid it, you’re observing your experience, bringing your attention to it, allowing it to be there. Even if it’s just for a brief moment.
“Name it to tame it.”
This comes from Dan Siegel, a psychiatry professor at UCLA School of Medicine. Dr. Siegel explains that when we put words to what we’re experiencing, that releases soothing neurotransmitters in our brain, prompting us to pause and decide how we’ll deal with the emotion. It’s a purposeful process.
Example #1: You tell yourself, “Okay, so I’m having sad thoughts about my ex.”
Example #2: You think to yourself, “Wow, I’m feeling really anxious about this presentation.”
Learn about emotions.
I know, you’re jumping out of your seat with excitement. Everyone’s favorite topic, right? But emotions guide us. They motivate our behavior. They prepare us for action, which saves us time when we’re busy and aren’t able to think things through. So we can be thankful they’re there.
And our limbic system produces them all day long, so it helps to learn what they mean, get more comfortable with them. Robert Masters’ outstanding book Emotional Intimacy is one such way.
Once we come to know them better, they seem less scary. No white bears here.
Learn your triggers.
When we’ve lived through upsetting or stressful events that we couldn’t control (i.e. trauma), the brain makes a recording of it. The images, painful emotions, and negative beliefs we experience (i.e. “I have no control”) get stored in an in-box. If the trauma isn’t healed, later in life when we sense something similar around us, we get triggered. It’s as if someone pressed play on the recording, and it feels like whatever happened then is happening now.
Some common examples: an angry voice, emotion in someone else’s face, feeling overlooked, being alone, feeling trapped, etc.
Once you learn what your triggers are, you’ll know in advance when upsetting thoughts, images and emotions (the white bears) are approaching. The next step is learning what soothes you, what calms your nervous system. EMDR therapy can help.
JOURNAL, JOURNAL, JOURNAL.
You might recall the 1986 study where students who wrote about their trauma had fewer adverse medical conditions than those who didn’t. Countless additional studies have confirmed the beneficial effects of writing about one’s feelings.
You might consider making this a daily practice; the Day One app is a great way to get started. Although there’s no live human listening and responding, journaling helps you make sense of your experience, allowing your brain to process what happened and work through it.
Vent.
When important people in your life are available (a significant other, a friend, a therapist), verbally conveying what we’re feeling really helps. Not only do you get the sense that someone who cares is witnessing your experience, but it also helps you understand what you went through. In that same episode of the Happiness Lab podcast, social psychologist Dr. James Pennybaker explains, “You’re almost in a car wreck. You come home. You tell your spouse or your friend, ‘Oh my god, you’re not going to believe what happened.’ By putting an upsetting experience into words, it forces structure. It forces organization. There’s a beginning, middle and end. It’s not blowing off steam… Instead you are coming to understand the event and also yourself better.”
EMDR therapy.
What was Dr. Pennybaker referring to, about creating a “beginning, middle and end” around our experience? It’s the adaptive information processing model, which forms the basis for EMDR therapy. When bad things happen to us and we don’t get to process them, they become stored in dysfunctional memory networks. EMDR therapy is believed to link these bad memories to adaptive networks, so that it creates a story around it, an adaptive narrative that makes sense to us.
As Dr. Robert Stickgold of Harvard Medical School explains, “This helps the individual integrate and understand the memories within the larger context of his or her life experience.”
With this understanding of what happened to them, EMDR clients routinely report that these memories are less distressing, with less of a “charge” around them.
For anyone who’s been through upsetting or stressful stuff that lead them to feel unsafe, afraid, helpless, overwhelmed, isolated, or lacking control over what’s happening (i.e. trauma), their “white bears” are the thoughts, images and emotions that pop up later in life. Self-critical thoughts. Memories of what happened. Anger and defensiveness. Lack of trust, etc.
But once an “adaptive narrative” is created through EMDR, the “white bears” are harmless. No big deal, nothing to see here. No reason to avoid thinking about it.
So go ahead, think about the white bear if it’s showing up in your thoughts. You’re taking away the power that it used to have. Living your life on your own terms.
Andrew Kushnick is a Certified EMDR therapist in downtown San Francisco, and was trained by the Parnell Institute in EMDR and Attachment-Focused EMDR. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video and in-person appointments are available during afternoons and evenings. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.
References
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