5 more ways to come home to your partner

You just got home, and can’t stop thinking about when that promotion is really happening. Your partner walks in, after having to stay late to finish up a new product launch. You’re both hungry, cranky, tired… distracted. The relationship is probably the last thing on your minds right now.

Perfect. This is the perfect time to use your bond, to strengthen your relationship. “What? How?” you ask. There are answers. In a previous post, I spelled out five ways to come home to your partner. Well, I’ve been thinking, and here are five more.  

1.  Embrace the caregiver role. Of course your significant other could talk to a friend instead. But being in this romantic relationship means that you’ve signed on to the role of primary caregiver. The main person who witnesses the other’s experience, soothing and comforting if necessary. If one or both of you outsources that role completely, that just creates distance, eroding the fidelity of the bond.

2.  Set up the sanctuary. Your relationship should feel like a sanctuary… a refuge from the challenges of life. A place of healing and restoration. Just as you need this, your significant other does as well. Make it easier to tend to each other by creating a tranquil space. Put aside distractions, to be more present. When they walk in, they’ll feel it.

3.  Allow transition time. After giving your partner a real embrace and making yourself available in your caregiver role, consider the possibility that she or he may need a few minutes to transition from work mode to home mode. Especially if their commute was stressful. For some, putting down the work bag or changing out of work clothes functions as a ritual of sorts, to mark this transition. By allowing for this time, your partner is able to recharge, and will be more ready to engage completely.

4.  Show genuine interest. Instead of the half-hearted, obligatory “How was your day?” show your partner that you really want to know. Stop what you’re doing, and look in her or his direction. Better yet, make eye contact. Ask about something specific that you know they’re grappling with. Clarify your understanding with follow-up questions. Resist the temptation to discuss your own stuff right way. Your partner will sense that you’ve created abundant space for their stuff, which feels good.

5.  Check the status of the bond. Do you feel connected, or does one of you feel distant from the other? Are you both completely okay with each other right now? If not, invite your partner to share what’s going on. If one of you is even mildly upset by something, it’s up to the other to make timely repair. This idea of repair derives from attachment theory. You fix it, even if you didn’t know that you broke it. By regularly checking how you guys are doing as a couple, it prevents minor upsets from growing into major resentments.

Okay sure, these things take time, which feels like a precious resource these days. And they’ll take practice as well; you’re implementing new habits to replace patterns that may have been years in the making. But by adopting a few regular practices like these, you’ll be creating a felt sense of connection, strengthening your relationship in the long run.