5 More Cheesy Relationship Analogies That Every Couple Should Know
Arguments totally suck. They don’t feel good.
We find ourselves worked up, ramped up, our blood boiling. Our thoughts racing. We may want to yell and tell our partner how wrong they are. We may want to shut down or even leave. In these moments, we’re not ourselves.
Couples frequently ask me, “When we’re in the middle of arguing, how can we remember what we’re supposed to do?” When things get heated, it’s hard to think clearly, much less remember what you discussed in couples therapy.
This is what led to “5 Cheesy Relationship Analogies That Every Couple Should Know.” Quick analogies that are easy to remember. Since publishing that post, I’ve gotten some valuable feedback: not every analogy resonates with everyone.
Clearly, this called for a sequel. And thus I present: 5 more cheesy relationship analogies that every couple should know.
This time we’ll mix it up by counting ‘em down.
5. THE VENDING MACHINE
Your significant other is making a face. You’re not sure what it means, but you know it’s not good. You sense they’ve had a rough day.
It’s your moment of truth. What do you do? Do you roll the dice and give some advice? Do you offer some fresh oxytocin in the form of a hug? What if you guess wrong and suffer the consequences? Ugh.
My friend, you need to be the vending machine.
Before you roll your eyes, I’ll explain. Being the vending machine means allowing your partner to choose what they’re needing at that very moment.
The buttons on this vending machine:
Someone to just listen;
Someone to offer empathy;
Someone to provide advice;
Someone to give a hug;
Something else.
Your partner may not know what they need. And it could be different each time you ask. But if you adapt to what they at least think they need in the moment, you avoid misunderstandings and mutual frustration. Responding to distress in a compassionate way can win you major points.
4. THE YELLOW TRAFFIC LIGHT
You know those times when you’re upset with your significant other? You’re feeling it strongly, and you really want to tell them. They’re right in front of you, and there’s an impulse to just say it. It seems unthinkable to not just bust out with it.
Loudly broadcasting an angry feeling might provide a short-lived dose of satisfaction. But think about why you want them to know… why you’re telling them what you’re telling them. It would feel nice if they understood where you’re coming from, right? If they recognized how you’re doing, how you’re feeling?
For your significant other to really take in what you’re saying, you first need to look for and heed the yellow traffic light.
In other words, just make sure they’re okay before launching into it. Make sure they’re in a state where they can really hear you. If your partner is clearly out of sorts, your intended message is DOA.
How do you know if they’re “okay”? Check to see if they appear calm and focused, present with you.
On the other hand, if you see reddening of the face, tightening of the jaw, or dilated pupils, there’s the yellow light. Other signs that you should wait: shallow or quick breathing, muscle movement or contraction in the eyes, cheeks, or lips, or a shutting down, numb appearance.
Once you see the yellow light, it can be frustrating to slow down. I mean, sometimes you really want to let them have it. But whatever it is that you’re needing, you’re more likely to get it when they’re capable of truly hearing you.
3. THE NUCLEAR HOTLINE
Your employer is having a holiday party, and you’re allowed to bring a guest. So you invite that special someone in your life. You know tons of people at this event, but they don’t.
You’ve been there for about an hour. You’re working the room, chatting up coworkers. Out of the corner of your eye, you glance towards your partner. They’re pretty close by, listening to someone blab on and on.
Are they having a good time, or are they miserable? Is it time to politely interrupt your conversation and walk over to them? It’s hard to tell. The smile on their face may be a “social smile” that betrays how they’re really doing.
Because telepathy hasn’t been perfected yet, try using the nuclear hotline.
For a securely functioning relationship, your partner is (or should be) the number one most important person in your world. Accordingly, you both need an open line of communication that can be picked up and utilized at all times. This could mean sending a quick text. Even better, you might use nonverbal communication. if you’ve been together for so long that you’re able to read each other’s faces well, you might send a look that asks, “Are you okay?”
In a context that may be uncomfortable for your partner (e.g. the company party, dinner at your parents’ place), it shows you care how they’re doing. You’re always available should they need you, and vice versa.
This doesn’t mean that you can never take your eyes off of them, or that you must always stop what you’re doing and focus on them. Of course there will be instances when circumstances dictate that you can’t break away from what you’re doing.
But whenever possible, establishing that hotline leads to a feeling of safety, of comfort.
2. THE EGG TOSS
Okay this may be the cheesiest one yet; hear me out real quick.
If you’ve been to therapy (or like reading about this stuff), you’ve probably heard about “expressing how you feel.” “Using I-statements.” “Being vulnerable.” Blah blah blah.
This makes some of us want to hurl. It may seem scary, something we’d never do.
But what happens when your partner goes out on a limb and does this? When they convey a feeling in a non-threatening, non-blaming way? When they use emotion words like “I’m afraid,” “I feel alone, I’m feeling angry,” etc.? What do you do?
Treat it like an egg.
Remember those egg tosses from your childhood? You’d stand like 10 feet apart from the other person. They threw the egg to you. If you caught it without it breaking, you both took a step back and repeated the process.
To catch it without it breaking, you likely scooped your hand to follow the momentum of the egg. So your approach reflected its delicateness, right? Bingo. That’s what you need to do with the feelings that your partner expressed.
Why? Because pure emotion words are least likely to lead to defensiveness. In using them, your partner is not only maximizing the chances that you’ll understand each other and defuse conflict.
They’re also taking a chance, and you want to positively reinforce that. You might thank them for sharing whatever they shared. You might consider repeating back the emotion word(s) that you heard, and let them know it makes sense. Even better: extend some compassion, knowing that they were having a rough time.
If instead you challenge them as to why they felt that way, ridicule them or criticize them, it’s like holding out a fork to catch the egg. The egg breaks, and the conflict worsens. Remembering the egg toss will save you from that frustrating outcome. You’re welcome.
1. THE THREE-LEGGED RACE
And now for another ca-raaazy party activity: the three-legged race. I know, you’re super-excited just thinking about it.
In case you somehow missed out on this life-changing event as a child, I’ll explain: You and another person are in a race against other pairs, but within each pair the right leg of one is tied to the left leg of the other. As you might guess, when one falls, you both fall.
In couples therapy, one partner might ask the therapist, “She’s upset… that’s her problem. Can you fix her?” They may not love the therapist’s response, because when it comes to relationship functioning, unfortunately that’s not how it works.
In the long run, for the one who says “It’s not my problem,” it actually becomes their problem. You see, if your partner’s upset, it comes back to you. You’re gonna hear it. It’s gonna bug you. Understandably, you want peace. You want to be able to chill after a long day of work, get to sleep easily, not feel distracted while doing your work the next day, etc. But if you silo yourself indefinitely, say goodbye to that feeling of peace.
I’m always saying to couples, “You’re in each other’s care.” It’s like the central tenet of PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), the model of couples therapy I was trained in. In a romantic relationship, you’re basically taking over the role that your partner’s parents played (or should have played). It’s your job to relieve your partner’s distress, and vice versa.
When the one who’s having a rough time shares that distress, they instinctively look to see if their partner notices that distress, is responsive, and cares. Yes, we’re back to that compassion thing.
So if your partner’s upset, take it seriously. Even if you think they shouldn’t be upset. Even if you’d rather be doing anything other than hearing about it. Let them know you're capturing how they’re feeling. You might repeat back the words just to demonstrate that (“I’m hearing that you’re upset with me,” “I can sense your frustration”). You might validate that (“It makes sense you’d be angry if you thought I was ignoring you”).
Over repeated instances, your responsiveness will be stored. A growing sense that you notice, that you’re responsive, and that you care will lead your partner to relax.
What are the payoffs for you, besides knowing that you’re taking care of the one you love? A happy partner. Maybe some appreciation. Some peace. A good night’s sleep. Better productivity at work. Amen.
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Behind the cheesy analogies are practices that ensure healthy relationship functioning. Between the OG and this post, you now have 10 to choose from. Pick your favorite(s) and try them out, especially during the quieter times when your brain is more capable of taking stuff in. When things get ramped up, you’ll have some solutions at the ready.
Andrew Kushnick is a couples therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings.