“Is it wrong to need my space?” In defense of the distancer.

One draws nearer, the other pulls away. The pursuer-distancer dynamic is common in relationships. This can be infuriating for the one who seeks proximity. They may start with a request, and when they don’t get a suitable response this may lead to demands, criticism, or even threats against the relationship. All of which lead to further withdrawal.

But what’s really going on for the distancer? Are they just being difficult? To understand why the answer is no, we must consider how they're “wired.” The distancer's tendency to pull away is often automatic and primitive, shaped years ago by what they got (or didn’t get) from their early caregivers.

Origins of a self-oriented world

The future distancer likely grew up with parents who were relatively unavailable, from an emotional perspective. These parents emphasized “things” over emotions. Reflecting or affirming the child’s experience was not a priority. After repeatedly sensing parental indifference or outright dismissal of emotions, this child never learned that it was okay to feel. But because we are sentient beings who naturally feel emotions, this means that an entire dimension of the future distancer’s experience was experienced alone. In his book “Love and War in Intimate Relationships,” Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. explained, “Their early childhood experiences served to consolidate the belief that dependency will only yield disappointment, gross misattunement, insensitivity, emotional pain, and shame.” So the future distancer instead gets used to a self-oriented world.

Arousal

When you perceive a threat (as when your partner criticizes you), your sympathetic nervous system is activated. You may feel your heart beating faster. If your partner were to apologize, or if you manage to muster a deep breath from your diaphragm, this would recruit your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you to relax. From a very young age, we learn how to modulate between these two systems and find the optimal level of arousal.

Autoregulation

This leads us to autoregulation. Think video games, reading, scrolling through a social media feed, coding, Netflix binges, daydreaming. They allow us to zone out, to feel okay when things feel like too much. Imagine the infant whose gaze is softly focused on the shapes of the mobile above the crib. In this moment, loud noises or commotion are tuned out; baby is both stimulated and soothed, pleasantly unaware of interpersonal stress.

Autoregulation is one of several ways to regulate your own state of arousal. For the distancer, it’s often the preferred way. Why? Because of those painful experiences of dependency that once lead to pain. Plus, autoregulation is easy. As Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. explains in a 2009 article, when we autoregulate, demand for the brain’s resources is low. It’s energy-conserving. It’s a hibernation mode for the brain.

The startle response

Fast-forwarding to the adult romantic relationship, let’s revisit the pursuer-distancer dynamic. The stage is set. The pursuer feels unnoticed, disregarded, even slighted. The pursuer makes a face; the distancer doesn’t notice. The pursuer sighs and begins to register a verbal complaint.

Boom! The distancer pulls further away. Why? As Tatkin notes, “Interaction requires greater central and peripheral nervous system activation, and therefore can be experienced by the [distancer] as having to ‘wake up,’ as if from a deep sleep.” What the pursuer intended as a benign request (e.g. “honey, could you please put down your phone?”), the distancer experiences as startling, on a neurobiological level. The distancer could become outwardly angry or dismissive, but the parasympathetic nervous system wants to restore balance, in the direction of peace and relaxation. What goes up must come down. So the distancer withdraws by zoning out, by going off to another room, by doing whatever they need to do to return to a state of optimal arousal. This “space” that the distancer seeks is a reflex, a form of protection.

Couples are engaged in a perpetual dance. Two nervous systems, exquisitely attuned to and impacted by the other. By learning how you’re each wired, you can fine-tune this dance so that you both get what you need.

References

Casenhiser, D., Shanker, S. & Stieben, J. (2012) Understanding the Nature of Self-Regulation, Milton & Ethel Harris Research Initiative, York University, Canada.

Kopp, C.B. 1982. Antecedent of self-regulation: A developmental perspective. Developmental Psychology 18: 19~214.

Low, P. (2018). Overview of the autonomic nervous system. Retrieved from https://www.merckmanuals.com.

Solomon, M. & Tatkin, S. (2011). Love and War in Intimate Relationships. New York, N.Y.: W.W. Norton & Company.