The Couple's Survival Guide to Sheltering In Place
It’s a challenging time. Life feels so different than just a few weeks ago.
Stuck at home. Sheltering in place. Flattening the curve.
If you live alone, you may feel isolated and lonely. If you live with a significant other, besides the isolation and loneliness, you may be facing a slew of potential challenges that a 24-pack of toilet paper can’t fix. This one’s for you.
Potential challenges
My sincere hope is that you’ll read this list and say “Nah, that one doesn’t apply to me.” But if any of it sounds familiar, please read on. And here we go:
Crowding each other’s space. Whether you’ve got a decent-sized home, or are crammed into a tiny studio, it probably feels like you’re all up in each other’s biz.
Round-the-clock together time. Okay, you probably like spending time together. But this much time together, with very few breaks? Oy vey.
One partner feeling anxious. It goes without saying that the uncertainty around COVID-19 is causing folks to feel anxious. Even if you’re normally cool as a cucumber, you’re also human. Some things that may be triggering: checking the news, reading frantic social media posts, having someone walk close to you in the grocery store, etc. It can be tough to know how to soothe that anxiety.
One partner feeling sad. Just as tough.
Trauma responses. Our amygdala scans the environment, looking for anything that might resemble threats we once faced, setting off alarm bells. For those who’ve had a serious health concern, faced financial certainty, felt seriously alone or experienced intense loss, current-day triggers can cause a re-experiencing of how it felt back then. If that describes you or your partner, it can be scary to go through that.
Heightened relationship dynamics. One partner pressures the other for more closeness, and the other tends to pull away. Maybe you both tend to withdraw when strong negative emotion arises. Or one partner’s criticism leads the other to feel they’ll never be good enough. Whatever the dynamic, in times of high stress, you’re likely to see more of it.
Other things competing for your attention. In a romantic relationship, ideally you’re your partner’s go-to person for soothing. But with all that’s happening, your thoughts may (understandably) be drawn to your family, your job, your kids, the stock market, etc.
Differing problem-solving approaches. So many decisions to be made. How much stuff should we buy on this trip to the store? Do we really need more soup? What’s the best way to fix the damn WiFi? Should I look for another job, or wait it out? Everyone’s scrambling to adapt. You’re bound to disagree on how to handle some of these things, and for some couples that leads to conflict.
This may seem like a lot. Hey, I gotcha. By implementing some new practices, you may emerge from this even stronger than before.
When anxiety is running high and we’re in a heightened state, we often lose access to that part of the brain that enables us to reason, to think in relativistic terms, to take someone else’s perspective. It’ll help to keep these practices in mind. So without further adieu, I bring you:
10 tips for surviving (and thriving) as a couple in these strange times.
Expect variability.
I’m talking about mood. Energy. Presentness. Willingness to engage. Fluctuations throughout the day can be completely normal. By expecting it, you’ll be better able to ride the waves.
What it looks like: Although you just had a nice laugh together, a few minutes later your partner remembers some upsetting stuff about coronavirus that he read online, and seems grouchy now. You remember about variability, and smile to yourself.
Become a state-shifter.
Over time you’ve learned what works to soothe your partner when they’re struggling. It’s unique to each individual. Sometimes it’s the particular way you reassure them… something you say, something you do. Because you’re in each other’s care, when you sense distress in the other, your job is to relieve that distress, to shift how they’re feeling.
What it looks like: You notice a look of sadness on her face, so you inch closer and ask, “Hey, how’re you doing right now?” Her face gets a little brighter as she tells you how she’s doing.
Diversify the caretaking portfolio.
In a time like this, the sheer volume of feelings surpasses what we usually experience. Yes, you’re the other’s go-to person, but hopefully not their only person. You’ll each need a “deep bench” of support. Quick caveat: If you’re going to suggest your partner expands who they turn to, make it clear that you’re still available.
What it looks like: You’re feeling overloaded. You say to your partner, “I always want to be there for you, and I care. But I’d love to have some backup, in case there’s a time when I can’t give you what you need right away.”
Build in a zone of error.
Even in normal times, you inevitably upset each other. The sheer number of interactions between you guarantees it’ll happen. Factor in all that time together, and the added stress of quarantining. The solution is to provide a zone of error. Chances are, they’re going to say something in the wrong way. They’re going to sound critical of you, whether or not they intend to. Now more than ever, you both need leeway to mess up.
What it looks like: You’re cleaning the counter with a sanitizing wipe. He notices you missed a spot, and points it out. Ugh… he’s really getting on your nerves. You then remember the zone of error. You take a deep breath, and let this one go. You remember that he’s more stressed than usual but means well.
Practice the conscious rant.
This one’s from Emotional Intimacy, a wonderful book by Robert Augustus Masters. Let’s assume you’re the one who’s feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Basically, you and your partner agree to this in advance, and set the ground rules. Your task is to identify and really stay with the emotion, letting it all out, even exaggerating with physical movements as if you’re in acting class. Your partner acts as a supportive witness, a steadying presence, perhaps doing some light cheerleading. If they’re the source of your anger, maybe you agree to make this a solo thing.
What it looks like: “I can’t f’in stand this isolation!” you yell, as you purposely punch your pillow. Your partner, nodding his head, says “Yes! Keep going, lemme hear it.” You keep going. As silly as the exercise seems, you start to feel a little better. You then lay on the couch and breathe slowly and deeply for a minute or two before moving on.
Do a space check.
We don’t always realize when we’re needing some space, when we need to zone out and keep to ourselves. Even when we realize, we may be reluctant to convey that, fearing our partner may feel insulted and lose their shit. [Pardon my Hebrew.] The need for space may come and go. Check whether now is one of those times, and make it okay for your partner to take that space.
What it looks like: “Space check!” you ask playfully. “Need a few minutes to yourself?”
Differentiate.
You love each other, but you’re two different people. At any given moment, you’ll each be feeling a certain way, and it may not line up. For example, one may be more stressed than the other, more tired than the other, etc. This means you’ll have different needs. Expect that. Honor that.
What it looks like: He’s giggling from a meme he saw on Instagram. You’re sick of videoconferencing and have a headache. You pause and allow him to have his moment, which he deserves.
Avoid gratuitous broadcasting.
We know it stresses us out, but sometimes we want to know what’s going on with COVID-19. And sometimes it’s just not the right time.... we're in a bad mood, or just not up for hearing anything that’s depressing. Unless your partner has indicated otherwise (or you’ve both agreed to look at the news together), assume you’re in different places, and avoid sharing what you just read. You’ll be sidestepping a major trigger to conflict.
What it looks like: You read about it. It upsets you. You take a deep breath, and wait until you’re pretty certain they’re in the place to discuss it.
Subdivide the home office.
For those fortunate enough to be employed right now, if you’re both “WFH,” you might be tempted to work side by side. But unless you’re usually able to socialize at work for most of the day and still be productive, don’t try this at home. Why not?
You’re attachment figures for each other. We’re genetically programmed to regard an attachment figure as “the person who’s there for me,” “the one who responds.” Even if cognitively you’re aware that your partner is “at work,” when you’re needing comfort or support, your brain’s attachment system is programmed to read them, to see if they care, and to draw closer to them. When this bumps up against the reality of work demands, welcome to your next conflict (and a drop in productivity). So place healthy boundaries around your work hours.
What it looks like: If you have at least two rooms that don’t contain a toilet, work in separate rooms. As strange as it sounds, text each other as you would on a normal work day. When the other is able to respond, they will. Catch up with each other during lunch or after work.
Ditch the scorecard.
You see that there are dirty dishes in the sink, and remember that you did the dishes last time. It may seem unfair, and in a perfect world things would be perfectly equal. But when you think of long-term relationship sustainability, does it really matter if today the balance seems off? Do what you can, and your partner will too. You’re both just trying to get by.
What it looks like: You take one for the team and do the dishes. It all evens out in the long run, and your relationship comes first.
You guys’ll get through this. By putting some of these things into practice, you’ll show each other that even in trying times, the relationship still matters. And future challenges may not seem so bad.
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Andrew Kushnick is a couples therapist in downtown San Francisco. As a former practicing attorney, Andrew’s approach is practical and concrete, using science-based and evidence-based methods. Video appointments are available during afternoons and evenings. To schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation, email andrew@andrewkushnick.com.
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